My perfect colleague

Now I’ve got a colleague called Vincent
He’s sure to make it to management
Always faultless, green, and sweet
As useless you can get them
He’s got a plastic-lined cheap waste basket
My manager thinks he’s fantastic
She won’t even let me explain
That me and Vincent we’re just not the same

Oh my perfect colleague
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s the organisation’s pride and joy
His line manager’s little golden boy

He’s gotta degree in shitty comics
Mass, gimmicks, and antibiotics!
He thinks that I’m a savage
’cause I hate butter in my sandwich
Even by the hour of ten
Annoying Vincent is so annoying by then
He always thinks he’s at a rodeo
‘Cause he’s tries to ride our director whenever he says hello

Oh my perfect colleague
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s the organisation’s pride and joy
His line manager’s little golden boy

His manager made him a supervisor
Got Human Resources into advise her
Now he’s walking with lots of poise
Swaggering along like the MBA boys

Twirls try to attract his attention
But what a shame it’s in vain total rejection
He will never lift them off the shelf
’cause Vincent he’s more likely to eat himself

Oh my perfect colleague…

colleagues

Dorothy shares one of Vincent’s jokes with the office

Everything you never wanted to know about me but couldn’t be arsed asking

Welcome to my latest blog experiment in which  I attempt to balance my neurotic privacy with the perfectly formed indifference of the blog’s readers. All..erm.. dozen of them.

Got a question you’re not fussed about knowing the answer to? Throw it out there.

Thank you for not caring

'He's always been fascinated with disguises.'

 

Getting real about bad advice

This is excellent. Read right till the end for the most rounded challenge to another creeping trend tangled up in ‘feminism’.

debuk's avatarlanguage: a feminist guide

It’s been a while since I posted anything about the policing of women’s language, but that’s not because the police have been idle: while I’ve been concerning myself with other matters, it’s been business as usual for the finger-wagging advicemongers. Here’s a recent example which I wouldn’t bother clicking on, since it’s just a rehash of the generic Bullshit Article On Women’s Language that’s been doing the rounds for the last two years. And here’s one about uptalk and vocal fry, which does contain one novel feature–a link to this blog, which the author cites to show she considered both sides of the argument before deciding to go with the ever-popular ‘stop it, you’re annoying people’.

Both these pieces use what I’m going to call the ‘let’s get real’ argument, which goes something like this: ‘it’s all very well to call out prejudice/preach tolerance, but the world is the…

View original post 1,753 more words

And

On this day, I fell in love
with a song on first hearing.
It helped that I was driving.
And the sun was shining.
And the window down.
And we were on our way back
from visiting a childhood friend.
And she sat quietly 
before issuing a demand
that it be turned up.
And I looked at her
in the rearview looking sideways
through the window with her small foot
tapping at my back.
And she looked back at me.
And away again.
And the music took her her way,
and me mine.
And when we arrived home, 
the same sun had slid down the back fence
as it peeled the last strip of daylight away.
And flung it on the earth’s bedroom floor.
And finished its striptease 
before it made way for the moon.

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A follower may be verified if he/she is determined to be of personal interest to Morag and me. Typically this includes followers with an above average interest in: mild cynicism, Twitter hysteria, cheese, iconoclasm, Billy Joel, trabants, curling, Googling unlikely questions to see if they’ve already been Googled, laptopism, shoppingism, buns, hiding from their potential, quietly over-estimating their potential, convivial bitterness, inclusive dining, inventions, bridges, parallel parking, functioning paranoia, creating conversational tumbleweeds, mindlessness, photosynthesis, leninism, and extreme day-dreaming.

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You’ll not know yourself

Was there ever a phrase that contravened standards of accuracy so blatantly as this? Apart from maybe “going for the one”.

Here is a sample of life-altering recommendations that have fallen dramatically short of achieving that objective:

Courtesy of my Mother:

  • Krill oil. The most recent ‘present’ she brought on her visit. Standard issue chocolate and biscuits have gradually been replaced by various anti-aging and life-extending interventions. It started with a collection of face creams for my 40th birthday. Subtle. I’ve since been handed down the third bottle of Centrum vitamins from all her three-for-two buys in Boots. For my nails, and my hair she regularly likens to the Wreck of the Hesperus. For years, I thought that was a Greek Goddess who had let herself go after too many nights on the sauce. My Mother is nothing, if not consistent. Now I’ve got Krill. It’s multiplying. And I’m losing control.
  • A steel potato masher. You too? Amazingly energy efficient compared to the Teflon alternative. I bet your dinners don’t know themselves either.
  • A slow-cooker. This from a woman married to a man fond of economising on the length it takes to boil a kettle, to a woman married to a man with an OCD-like propensity for checking all plugs are switched off. Good one.
  • Emphatically imploring me to do the household chores on a designated day of the week. Housework. Now that would be radically out of character.
  • The 5:2 diet (the age she fears I look)

Courtesy of my fella:

  • Go to bed earlier
  • Get my car serviced [not a euphemism for anything else]
  • Give him a weekly shopping list
  • Swap our lie-in days every other weekend
  • Don’t cook at the weekends

How low-maintenance is this man? Christ.

Courtesy of my friends:

  • Yoga
  • An Ipad
  • A Satnav
  • A 4 week blow-dry
  • A Parent and toddler group
  • Designated ‘Me Time’
  • Batch cooking
  • On-line grocery shopping
  • Mindfulness
  • From Couch to 5k
  • A house extension

From this lot, I regularly re-visit the mindfulness suggestion. Taking the time to enjoy the moment and be at one with nature has its benefits. Look at the lovely trees. Look at the beautiful leaves that have fallen from the lovely trees. Look at me just being among the beautiful leaves that fell from the lovely trees. Consciously getting all matey with nature.  Look at me flaring my nostrils as I mindfully inhale the soothing country air. [Three minutes later]. Ah sod this, let’s go get a coffee.

From my colleagues:

  • Get everything in writing
  • Just follow the rules
  • Ignore the rules
  • Get your travel expenses claim in every month*

*Therefore guaranteeing the shuffle of notes from an ATM within 10 days of payday. Finally, we’re getting somewhere.

What I reckon it would take to not know myself:

  • On-line personality shopping
  • Getting my mind serviced
  • Thrill oil
  • From grouch to Special K
  • The 4 second blow job
  • Following my own rules

Then getting it all down in writing.

5 opening lines bloggers mistakenly use to begin posts

  1. As a feminist… (G’wan. Get to the point. Quickly, quickly, I’ve some celeb gossip here waiting to be read)
  2. As a parent…(*deep breath* …. Ah right gotcha. I feared you were going to wax lyrical on what you feel more keenly than those who aren’t.)
  3. I had this mad dream last night… (*scrolls down*)
  4. Sorry the blog has been so quiet lately…(And you choose to break the silence with this gem?)
  5. Do you believe in God?…(As a feminist…haha got you back)

And that concludes today’s edition of Unsolicited Blogging Advice. Tune in next time when we will have tips on how to subtly insert classic literary texts into a post on farts, and Morag will be here to show you how to convert leftover spam comments in to flash fiction.

 

 

i

Rose of Tralee: Are we missing the point?

“The annual Rose of Tralee brings with it a slew of disdainful articles, all predictable and totally missing the point! ”

Well, there you have it. A comment in response to today’s Journal.ie’s opinion piece on that most divisive of pageants: The Rose of Tralee. Joining Lorraine Courtney in the condemnation corner is Louise O’Neill in The Examiner. Both allude to the anachronistic nature of the event: the casual objectification of women (albeit without the bikini round); the ethnically homogenous participants; and the less-than-subtle assumptions on sexuality with the safeguarding of an exclusively male line-up of chaperones. Because, in the case of the latter, where would the ladies be without one? Getting sick sideways out the tour-bus window no doubt. If only.

Like any cultural phenomenon, the spectacle shouldn’t be spared a periodic good kicking to see how it stands up. Courtney is concerned with the perceived dumbing down of personalities through the banal interview that forces participants to temper their individuality via self-censorship and insipid responses. O’Neill, meanwhile, despairs that regardless of the purported elevation of brains above beauty to ensure a more respectable affair, it is the sparkly dresses and winning smiles that little girls looking on remember. The impact of the resulting absorption of such messages on female success should not be underestimated.

Like any article written on women by women, neither writer is spared the reciprocated on-line kicking. The substantive points both make are frequently overlooked by readers more concerned with pointing out their apparent uptightness and compulsion to peddle a pro-feminist message. Imagine that. The particularly enlightened commentators cite several points missed: the choice women have to participate (or not), the ‘harmlessness’ of the revenue-generating bit of fun local communities depend on, and not least the professional and educational status of the wimmin. What’s all the whinging for?

“Some of the most accomplished women have taken part in the Rose of the Tralee and last years winner is a medical student and as a cancer survivor will I believe, go on to be a fine doctor.” (sic)

Indeed. And this is perhaps what makes it a uniquely Irish Festival of Respectability: the degree and the big job. The ultimate status symbols. That most beloved of combos after low-esteem and big ego. Which to this reluctant spectator, is what has helped contributed to the event’s durability.

Louise O’Neill asks when the last time a woman of colour entered? While this is a fair question, so dominated has identity politics become by issues of gender and sexuality that the most glaring issue of inequality that encompasses many women irrespective of ethnicity appears to go unchallenged: that of class. When is the last time a woman without the mandatory third level education and impenetrable job title entered?

“Of course no mention that the majority of these women are all ready successful in there lives much more successful then the women that complain and want to stop them from doing this.”

Another Journal commentator roundly telling the critics off.

There is just one thorny problem with that analysis however: people are born with conventional beauty (or pay for it), but it is privilege that awards them ‘brains’.  In the common Irish sense. The Rose of Tralee sense. The status and respectability sense. The national middle-class definition of success sense.

The centrality of women’s education in combating global inequality and access to the labour market is a given. Ambition and determination are not to be sniffed at either. But they are not the preserve of the formally educated who have benefitted from the opportunity to have their ‘brains’ nurtured. A degree and companion ‘profession’ isn’t a pre-requisite for contributing to keeping society successfully on its axis, nor an accurate measure of ‘intelligence’; and the meaning of ‘success’ goes beyond what’s reflected back at us from our job titles and pay-cheques.

When I watch the conga of lovely girls sashaying on to the stage, it is not exposure to identikit glamour and bad jokes I fear most for my own girl. It is the stark class divisions and national obsession with defining success according to a system of inequality that leaves the bitterest after-taste. The narrow definition of success. The one-track route to worthiness. Will the unconscious absorption of the message on ‘success’ stalk her throughout her life? In choosing to go to college or not. In adjusting aspirations and priorities if children enter the fray (if she wants them, and lucky to have them). If they don’t, will she be shunted into that limiting corner where her worth must proved by workplace success? Will jettisoning the big job and opportunities result in itchy feelings of failure? Will having the benefit of a formal education (if lucky to receive it) for life and knowledge be sufficient?

Modern mainstream musings on women are freighted with these anxieties, and written mostly by ‘successful’ women. Valid though they be, they have, in the main, become an issue of entitlement for the already entitled. With scant attention given to equality of access to education, and the merits of it remaining the chief determinant for just about every ‘respectable’ job going. And we don’t need to re-open any discussion here on the lack of respect afforded to predominantly female areas of work.

Even if it were to leave out ‘beauty’, The Rose of Tralee would still be left with the worrying problem of ‘brains’. So why bother with either?

rose of tralee

You’ve No degree? What kind of degree is that? Begorrah

Lorraine Courtney’s article: http://www.thejournal.ie/readme/rose-of-tralee-outdated-lorraine-courtney-2935105-Aug2016/

Louise O’Neill’s article: http://www.irishexaminer.com/viewpoints/columnists/louise-oneill/to-be-a-rose-was-to-have-made-it-in-life-416879.html

Capitulation

We give ourselves that feel-good moment, and leave a few quid for the chambermaids tasked with speculating whether we were obliging guests or just allergic to personal hygiene. From the strange, we continue further South. So impaled am I on the thrill of the unfamiliar, my fella barely conceals his surprise that I’m Huggy Bear about an extra hour’s drive. One due to dismissal of my directions. Another hour on top of that wouldn’t bother me too much either. Some of us like driving to stand still. But he doesn’t need to know that.

To tell you the truth, I’m not quite sure of the way either. We are both wearing that unbearable swagger that only fits when we’re so intent on proving our familiarity with places past, we over-estimate it. His is rumbled while mine is saved by an assertion the new one-way system is the culprit responsible for back-tracks into town. Then relief as the hotel façade juts in to view. There is no new one-way system.

I inform our wee one this is the place where her Dad and I got it together proper. Where the symphony of our getting-to-like-yous was composed. He points out all the stations of the courtship: the road we wobbled home drunk, the pub where we held hands, not forgetting the petrol pumps – the last pit-stop before his exit onto the motorway home. He laughs to himself at the memories of sadness he used to feel on departing.

Eight years on, it’s different but deeper. So the glossy mags and mid-day female panelists would have us believe. But I wouldn’t say no to another evening of exaggerating about being the outdoor-type, and wheeling out some of my better yarns for the first time for few of his guffaws. In the same way I don’t love our one any less just because I wouldn’t turn down a few nights with her as a new-born. We were lucky – she was a good sleeper as a nipper; and this town was a discreet, but lively, chaperone. I wonder aloud if less vibrant towns would have set us up as successfully, ignoring his middle-distance gaze. No need to nail it to the ground then.

I stand as a fellow tourist with the pair of them in the same spot where I stood as a new resident back then. We’re waiting on a makeshift train to bring us around the sights at a mortifying 20 miles per hour. Back then I was waiting on a coach-load eager to see what kind of place was designated for them to set up home. With no idea of how success was to be measured.

The tour-guide points out ancient ruins to our right, while I fixate on the shop to our left where young faces hoked through emblems and crests to see which fitted. On our left, another church flings its spire in the air three doors down from the health-centre where most of them registered in the days following their arrival. Around the corner one of the oldest graveyards in the country apologies for itself, and I shiver at the flashback of fruitless flat-hunting on the road adjacent.

Sentimentality is egging me on to begin another round of remember-whens. But I’ve no patience with it today. Or its inflated sense of entitlement, and obsession with converting transient feelings into something mawkish and manipulative. My inner steely tour-guide marches on, willing my resolve to keep hugging the present.

Coats hanging on the back of chairs, we clink glass. To the future. And all that. Whatever that is. The menu has changed.

“Are you ready to order?”

I look up directly into the brown eyes of one of those erstwhile fresh faces. Long grown out of the school blazer with at least another foot below her knees and I.. and I… and I…

The comfort of strange places

It helps it’s near the sea with a coastal energy fizzing in the atmosphere but it doesn’t matter. So long as these road-signs are alien to me, and their contents the stuff traffic reports are made of, hundreds of tertiary roads and adjustable radio frequencies away, I’m as content as I’ll ever be.

We share a common language with the locals but mispronounce the villages, both of us struggling to hitch our respective Northern Rs up around a few that require the regional blas for accuracy. And although we haven’t fled the island that harbours us all, the experience feels just as commanding as a foreign holiday.

Their stretch of sea might share a coastline with mine, but it’s not prone to stirring up treacherous storms. Their people came from the same national herd of rural dwellers but mine did not journey along these particular roads with or without a backward glance to a place where their descendants hear the echoes of their regrets and hopes, if they listen long enough. The more they try not to, the more they try to ignore the genetic ripples in the wind, the more deafening it becomes.

The woman in the record shop slides the CD into a made-to-measure brown paper bag. If it hadn’t been for her, we would never have found the river-side café hidden in the foliage behind the bridge. If it hadn’t been for the local she met while passing through in 1979, she’d probably be somewhere else by now. They married a year later. They wouldn’t be anywhere else.

The streets are teeming with strangers. A work colleague respectfully studies the pavement as the other relays a yarn requiring concentration. Be-capped men in door-ways leave their silence to do the talking. Eastern Europeans serve coffee with all the flair and lilt of locals. Robust, newly born buildings wrap an arm around dilapidated neighbours holding them up from collapse. I know no-one. Our streetscapes are distant cousins through geography. We have no history, and no future. But a three-night stand with this place makes me feel like I’m firmly in the present. That most exclusive of holiday destinations.