Was there ever a phrase that contravened standards of accuracy so blatantly as this? Apart from maybe “going for the one”.
Here is a sample of life-altering recommendations that have fallen dramatically short of achieving that objective:
Courtesy of my Mother:
- Krill oil. The most recent ‘present’ she brought on her visit. Standard issue chocolate and biscuits have gradually been replaced by various anti-aging and life-extending interventions. It started with a collection of face creams for my 40th birthday. Subtle. I’ve since been handed down the third bottle of Centrum vitamins from all her three-for-two buys in Boots. For my nails, and my hair she regularly likens to the Wreck of the Hesperus. For years, I thought that was a Greek Goddess who had let herself go after too many nights on the sauce. My Mother is nothing, if not consistent. Now I’ve got Krill. It’s multiplying. And I’m losing control.
- A steel potato masher. You too? Amazingly energy efficient compared to the Teflon alternative. I bet your dinners don’t know themselves either.
- A slow-cooker. This from a woman married to a man fond of economising on the length it takes to boil a kettle, to a woman married to a man with an OCD-like propensity for checking all plugs are switched off. Good one.
- Emphatically imploring me to do the household chores on a designated day of the week. Housework. Now that would be radically out of character.
- The 5:2 diet (the age she fears I look)
Courtesy of my fella:
- Go to bed earlier
- Get my car serviced [not a euphemism for anything else]
- Give him a weekly shopping list
- Swap our lie-in days every other weekend
- Don’t cook at the weekends
How low-maintenance is this man? Christ.
Courtesy of my friends:
- An Ipad
- A Satnav
- A 4 week blow-dry
- A Parent and toddler group
- Designated ‘Me Time’
- Batch cooking
- On-line grocery shopping
- From Couch to 5k
- A house extension
From this lot, I regularly re-visit the mindfulness suggestion. Taking the time to enjoy the moment and be at one with nature has its benefits. Look at the lovely trees. Look at the beautiful leaves that have fallen from the lovely trees. Look at me just being among the beautiful leaves that fell from the lovely trees. Consciously getting all matey with nature. Look at me flaring my nostrils as I mindfully inhale the soothing country air. [Three minutes later]. Ah sod this, let’s go get a coffee.
From my colleagues:
- Get everything in writing
- Just follow the rules
- Ignore the rules
- Get your travel expenses claim in every month*
*Therefore guaranteeing the shuffle of notes from an ATM within 10 days of payday. Finally, we’re getting somewhere.
What I reckon it would take to not know myself:
- On-line personality shopping
- Getting my mind serviced
- Thrill oil
- From grouch to Special K
- The 4 second blow job
- Following my own rules
Then getting it all down in writing.