My perfect colleague

Now I’ve got a colleague called Vincent
He’s sure to make it to management
Always faultless, green, and sweet
As useless you can get them
He’s got a plastic-lined cheap waste basket
My manager thinks he’s fantastic
She won’t even let me explain
That me and Vincent we’re just not the same

Oh my perfect colleague
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s the organisation’s pride and joy
His line manager’s little golden boy

He’s gotta degree in shitty comics
Mass, gimmicks, and antibiotics!
He thinks that I’m a savage
’cause I hate butter in my sandwich
Even by the hour of ten
Annoying Vincent is so annoying by then
He always thinks he’s at a rodeo
‘Cause he’s tries to ride our director whenever he says hello

Oh my perfect colleague
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s the organisation’s pride and joy
His line manager’s little golden boy

His manager made him a supervisor
Got Human Resources into advise her
Now he’s walking with lots of poise
Swaggering along like the MBA boys

Twirls try to attract his attention
But what a shame it’s in vain total rejection
He will never lift them off the shelf
’cause Vincent he’s more likely to eat himself

Oh my perfect colleague…


Dorothy shares one of Vincent’s jokes with the office

21 thoughts on “My perfect colleague

  1. As we read we all put a face we know on Vincent. What a gobshite and management even bigger gobshites.
    My favourite line ’cause Vincent he’s more likely to eat himself’

  2. I do love your parodies. But I will unfollow you if you dare to go near the pineapple tree * glares a Paddington hard stare over the top of her glasses because the Kid says she looks really scary*

    And of course, with you on lack of butter on the sandwiches – especially people who spread it really thickly. I only do melted butter on toast – and I put it back in the toaster to make sure every globule soaks in.

  3. Some impressive rhymes in there. I particularly liked “His manager made him a supervisor/ Got Human Resources in to advise her”. I’m not familiar with the Undertones, but I see they wrote a nearly-as-good line referencing the Human League; according to someone commenting on Youtube, the kind of line that “today’s pop stars can only dream of writing.” You’re living the dream, it seems.

    PS, do you think that today’s Human Resources departments evolved from the Human League? And was the Human League formed as a response to that cartoon I loved as a child, the Justice League? And whatever did happen to Aquaman? Just wondering.

    • Sorry for my delay in responding to your message. I was out of the blog in recent days.

      Having recently read ‘The History of Human Resources’, I can confirm Human Resources evolved as a tribute act to the Human League. They had a UK top 500 hit in 1985 with the single ‘Don’t You Want Me To Take A Discipline Procedure Against You?’ or ‘Don’t You Want Me? for short. It went platinum in Germany where many employers included a copy in the induction pack for new workers. The first formal Human Resources Dept originated in a large stationery manufacturing firm south of Dusseldorf. It was presided over by the president of the local Kraftwerk fanclub, Hans Speigel.

      Regarding the missing Aquaman, is he related to Pacman by any chance?

      • Fantastic, thank you for that information. I remember “Don’t You Want Me” from my first job in the local fish and chips shop. It’s great to get the history from someone who has done thorough research. For some reason Pacman was not a member of the Justice League, which seems a big oversight. I fear he was left out due to being so small, a fate that also awaits Vincent the leprechaun.

      • Vincent doesn’t emit a high pitched beep every few seconds, like Pacman did, does he? Because if he does I think you’d have reasonable grounds for dismissal/ manslaughter.

      • I often feel that I missed my calling in law, so I’ll do my best to defend you if and when the time comes – & if the dogs of Siberia get their way, that should be any day now.

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