My perfect colleague

Now I’ve got a colleague called Vincent

He’s sure to make it to management
Always faultless, green, and sweet
As useless you can get them
He’s got a plastic-lined cheap waste basket
My manager thinks he’s fantastic
She won’t even let me explain
That me and Vincent we’re just not the same

Oh my perfect colleague
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s the organisation’s pride and joy
His line manager’s little golden boy

He’s gotta degree in shitty comics
Mass, gimmicks, and antibiotics!
He thinks that I’m a savage
’cause I hate butter in my sandwich
Even by the hour of ten
Annoying Vincent is so annoying by then
He always thinks he’s at a rodeo
‘Cause he’s tries to ride our director whenever he says hello

Oh my perfect colleague
What I like to do he doesn’t
He’s the organisation’s pride and joy
His line manager’s little golden boy

His manager made him a supervisor
Got Human Resources into advise her
Now he’s walking with lots of poise
Swaggering along like the MBA boys

Twirls try to attract his attention
But what a shame it’s in vain total rejection
He will never lift them off the shelf
’cause Vincent he’s more likely to eat himself

Oh my perfect colleague…


Dorothy shares one of Vincent’s jokes with the office


If I was your girlfriend

Would you remember to tell me all the things you forget now I’m your wife?

If I was your best friend, would you let me take care of you and do only the things that only a best friend can?

If I was your girlfriend, would you let me dress you? I mean help you pick off the bits of fluff before we go out? Sometimes those are the things that being in love’s about.

If I was your one and only friend, would you run with me if somebody asked you even if that someone was me? Sometimes I hallucinate on notions of doing a 5k

If I was your girlfriend…

Would you let me pull out your ear hairs?  Could I make you not do the dishes all the time? Well then, could we let them drip dry? I mean, could we just hit play and lie on the sofa together? Cause to me, baby, that would be so fine

Baby, can I dress you? I mean help move you along so we can actually get out? Listen, man, I ain’t sayin it’s deafness but sometimes those are the things that being in love’s about

Is it really necessary for me to leave the heat off just because you wanna get pneumonia? We don’t have to leave the country to have a holiday. We don’t have to have a holiday to get stressed.  Our savings is what I’m about…

Would I stop singing in this weird voice and callin you baby? Of course. For you, I would be quiet. Well, I’d try..

If I was your girlfriend…oops. Sorry, baby.