Do we have to do a Father’s Day Post?

Last January, because of the law in the Republic of Ireland, a man whose partner died shortly after giving birth to their catastrophically brain-damaged baby, had to seek court intervention to allow him give consent for the withdrawal of his child’s life support.

In response to the tragedy, Eamonn Quinn of the Unmarried and Separated Parents of Ireland, compared the legal deficiencies with provision in the UK. “If this case had happened ‘up the road’ in Belfast, the father would have automatically been the person making the decisions about his baby without having a court case added to his ordeal”.

The case was a rarity, but a reminder of the lack of legal safeguards or rights for unmarried fathers in Ireland.

Only married fathers have automatic guardianship of their children. In unmarried couples, the mother is the sole legal guardian unless and until the father actively seeks guardianship.

Without guardianship, the father does not have the right to seek medical treatment for his child, or query the educational or religious upbringing of his own child. Nor can he apply for a passport for his child or decide where he or she will live.

How does he get guardianship of this child?

One of two ways. If the mother is happy to share guardianship, he can get a form called the ‘Statutory Declaration of Father and Mother in Relation to Joint Guardianship of Child/Children’ which is available online or from court offices, and fill it in with his child’s mother in front of a peace commissioner. If the mother objects, the father can apply to his local district court to be made a joint guardian. The mother’s views will be considered but will not dictate the court’s decision.

What happens if he doesn’t seek guardianship?

If the couple separates, he will have no automatic rights to involvement in his child’s upbringing and can’t stop the mother taking the child out of the country. All rights would have to be fought for in court. Even in a stable relationship, lack of guardianship can cause problems if the father alone accompanies the child to hospital as he won’t be able to give treatment consent.

Is this a common scenario?

Around 26,000 children are born in Ireland every year to unmarried parents — 33% of all children born. It is not known how many of the fathers have a declaration of joint guardianship because the details are not recorded by any agency.

What’s being done about it?

Not enough say campaigners. In 2013, Justice Minister Alan Shatter promised legislation to grant automatic guardianship to cohabiting fathers but there no timeline was specified.

 

Sources: The Irish Examiner/The Irish Independent/Unmarried and Separated Parents of Ireland.

Rock me Daddy-O

It’s two years to the month since I harassed your Dad for song ideas for your naming ceremony. It was far from naming ceremonies we were reared. Every generation has the responsibility of trying to make the best of what they’re about. For my folks it was original sin and prawn cocktail. More power to them. Or less, as was the case.

In truth, it was like the wedding ceremony we never had. Your Granny’s house was treated to the same epic spruce-up it received during the last bachelor days of all her boys. I volunteered your Auntie’s fine singing voice. Every tome and tune were pored over. Noses were flung skyward at the mention of a sausage roll. And I sighed heavily every time I looked at the family portrait above the TV in which I am channelling some groovy fairway fashion with my classic diamond v-neck golfer’s jumper replete with polo-neck.

Your Dad shrugged off his own suggestion at the speed his ears could hear it. “Ah, she won’t know it, and it probably wouldn’t fit. Nevermind.”

You don’t know this about your Dad yet, but that’d be typical of the man. Never one to strenuously impose his will or wishes on others, except when demanding someone pass him the hammer so he can drive the nails in when hanging himself on the Cross. Sorry, did you think I was using you to make passive aggressive comments? I actually find his martyring quite endearing. In a I’ll-see-your-persecution-complex-and-raise-it type way. Why did you think I married him? To let him win.

A few other things you don’t know yet:

When leaving the hospital to take you home, he pressed play on the car stereo and Stevie Wonder’s Isn’t She Lovely ricocheted off our hearts. The fucker.

Every payday he squirrels away savings into a Credit Union account he opened for you later that week. It’s a low point for responsibility when your own toddler has more savings than you. Any chance of a lo….etc.

That funny voice that cracks you up is his impeccable Godfather impersonation, complete with downward mouth and thick bottom lip. He does a brilliant Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris, too, but those had to be shelved. Sometimes he forgets until he remembers and there’s a pause before we both move on without saying anything.

Every few weeks he scurries over to the shopping centre at lunch for a quick flick through the children’s clothing rails. Sorry you were made wear those psychedelic jeans.

That microscopic white patch on the back of his head is a souvenir from his exam days when he would unwittingly soothe his anxiety by rubbing the one little patch of hair until he wore it down. Wearing him down is my job now.

He still does this sometimes when he’s nervous, or watching his team in a tense game of football. They’re without a manager at the moment and he fell out of bed last night exuberantly cheering a penalty they saved in his dream. The same team he held a season ticket for before surrendering it to buy you weird psychedelic jeans and other stuff.

Failing his first driving test at 18 was the last time he cried until accompanying you to get a general anaesthetic last year. When I say cry, I mean welled up, which is outright bawling to the rest of us.

He disappeared minutes before the ceremony was due to start (leaving his sisters, your Aunties, to piss themselves at the family portrait) returning with a used envelope housing his big-hearted words of love and gratitude he quietly expressed to all.

Your Granddads lit candles with ginormous granddad-sized matches. Your Grannies spoke words of wisdom handed down from minds more poetic than ours. Your Auntie rocked the (good) living room. Your Fairy Godmothers pledged love and loyalty, and we all serenaded you with a spectacularly out-of-tune Catch a Falling Star. Not a door slammed, not a grudge resurrected. The power you have.

Your Dad was right about the song. It belongs to you and him alone. On your Sunday drives together over the border for cheap diesel when he can add harmonies at top tonsil and belt out the drums on the steering wheel. Here it is.

You have no idea how lucky you are.

Image

Suggestion Box

This is probably a premature and overly ambitious post given this blog’s small (but beautifully formed) following. I haven’t elaborated on why I took to the electronic quill, and I don’t know if it’s worth thinking about too much. If there’s a certain freedom to be found in writing, that feeling is maintained by keeping the space between the words free from reasons for them.

I’ve had to credit spontaneity more than once for progress in life (“Let’s stick a pin in a map! Denmark? Fuck it, let’s go live there” “I’d love go to the Netherlands. With no money” “Work with a triple X hard-core paramilitary infested community on every other side of the track? Fuck it, why not!” “Let’s run away and get married” etc.). This blog was another small act of defiance against boredom.

Being undisciplined in every aspect of life bar work and love makes for occasionally fun  – but sometimes chaotic – consequences. I find myself now in need of applying occasional discipline to the words here. Blogging is mostly about giving, but receiving the thoughts of others gives the thrill of thinking on the hoof. I type faster responding to another on a messageboard discussion than typing aloud to myself here to start with.

So if you would like to give me a keyboard up, feel free to throw out a topic or a post title or a line or a whatever you’re having yourself, below this post. I’ll aim to pick it up and run with it to see where it takes me. You can do it anonymously, if you prefer. The response function asks for an email but you can make one up. Pity suggestions to break up the rush of tumbleweeds are also welcome.

Thanks

The pregnant pause

Snip. Snip. “What age is your wee one then?” Snip. “Coming two and a half”. Snip. Snip. Snip. “They’re some craic at that age” “Aye, indeed”. Snip. “Do you have any children yourself?” “No”. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. “What if I take another inch off the ends for you?” Snip. Snip. “Sorry?” “What about another inch off the end?” “Sure”

[later that evening]

Chat. Chat. “It’s a lovely party” [I still can’t believe I said that] “Yeah, it’s all confirmations and christenings with us at the moment”. “Good stuff, how are you enjoying your retirement?” “Very well. I’m just taking things at my leisure. And what about yourself? Aren’t you due sometime soon?” “Sorry?” “Aren’t you due in a few months?” “Ah, you must be thinking of my Sister-in-law….”

[earlier that day]

“No”. Snip. Snip.

Shit. What do I say? I know fuck all about this woman. What can I possibly say? Think, woman, think. I hate this small talk shit. Maybe she’s cool with it. Who am I to be volunteering on behalf of her private possibly non-existent disappointment. She’s what? late 40s? Maybe that was her plan. What do I know. What if it wasn’t? She must get this 50 times a day. And I only asked because it seemed like she probably had, and because I used to hate it when no-one asked me when I had none. As much as I hated it when they did ask me. I bet her thought bubble is urging my thought bubble to hurry the fuck up and say something. I’m going to have to think of something else to talk about.

“What if I take another inch off the ends for you?”

She did a great job of my hair.

[later that evening]

“Ah, you must be thinking of my Sister-in-law….”

*automatically sucks tummy in* Who the fuck heard that? *furtive glance around* Phew. I fucking knew it. And I can’t even blame this ridiculous floaty top. Just keep talking because this poor woman is mortified and I’d die if I were in her shoes. Don’t worry, love, we’ve all been there. Well, only once in my case when I thought it would be rude not to ask a hairdresser if she was due soon after maintaining a lifetime’s indifference to in-my-face bumps/women panting/asking me to get them towels/moaning about having a baby etc., just to be on the safe side. A sorry lesson followed by a tense 20 minute haircut, made worse by forgetting my purse and enduring an excruciating polite-off when both of us just wanted the ground to open up and swallow us whole. Like the ground was 89 months pregnant. Like a hump-back bridge. And now it’s my turn. Just talk this woman to death and move on, and hopefully I’ll get some of that Malteser cheesecake knocking about without her noticing.

“…Yeah, she’s due at the end of the month. Her other one is all excited, waiting for the new wee baby brother or sister. You know yourself. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah de fucking blah.”

The cheesecake was lovely.

Cherish all the wombs equally

They crossed the threshold of their bodies
To dictate the progress of their pregnancies
Wombs from good stock, respectable wombs
Unredeemable wombs, children’s wombs
Wombs that gave birth to children born outside of dignity
The dignity of life reserved for life inside the wombs
Wombs from well-to-dos, do-what-you-want-with-them wombs
Fallen wombs, wombs from impoverished backgrounds
Against the background of dignified silence and shame
Shame on them all
All of us

The guineapigs

Watching RTÉ’s investigation on internment the other evening, I was reminded of a gable wall on a building on the outskirts of Derry. I occasionally inched by it amid the Friday evening gridlock on my way through the border to my folks’ to load up their washing machine with my clothes, and my fridge with their groceries. Respected student traditions.

The tradition of murals had long been synonymous with the North; thermometers for reading the fever on the streets and reactions to a concoction of political drugs prescribed to the public.

On this particular wall, in unequivocal black and white (Calibri, I think), roared the following:

If those who make the law

Break the law

In the name of the law

There is no law

Stark. Quotable, even. But it’s signed by the Provisional IRA, which brings another quote to mind: “The oppressed, instead of striving for liberation, tend themselves to become oppressors”, which liberates many of us from entertaining their a la carte philosophising incompatible with our own.

Amazingly, to me, it would seem that many people on this island had not heard of Jean McConville until recently. With that in mind, the programme was a timely return to the exposure of state-sponsored human rights abuses; the horrific treatment of the ‘hooded men’ by British interrogation teams. Practices that would ordinarily draw gasps reserved for the victims of torture in orange overalls, or in countries with a culture of barbarism in languages we don’t understand.

The programme drew the axis of torture from London to Belfast to the European Court of Human Rights back to London over to Iraq, and crossing the Atlantic to Washington and back to the Middle East again. Oppression does not exist in a vacuum, the oppressed do not retaliate in a vacuum. Substitute either term with whatever group or rationale you’re comfortable supporting. That’s how the law tended to work. As Behan wryly observed, the terrorist is usually the man holding the smaller bomb. Internment turned out to be one of the more lethal ones dropped. Along with Bloody Sunday, it was the biggest recruitment event for the Provos.

Little has been made in the North of this latest effort at lateral truth-finding. Its First Minister is busy extinguishing the flames from another fire that threatens to burn his credibility. Peter Robinson finally caved in to pressure to publicly apologise to the Muslim community he had casually denigrated with his flat-earth ‘joke’ about trusting them to go the local shop, but not into local politics. It followed his defence of another bigot-at-large, Pastor James McConnell.

In addition to revealing his own bigotry, Robinson exposed the fallacy of certain Protestant religious fundamentalists. There’s a potential axis of bigotry that joins a strain of Ulster Protestantism with Tea-party politicians who rely on a defined enemy (immigrants, Muslims, poor people, the odd Catholic etc.) to enable the best of their Christian values to flourish. With God’s will, they shall be born again. Into material riches and a skewed idea of empowerment. All the stuff their man Jesus was vigorously campaigning about.

Much has been written over the past week on the rise of racist abuse and attacks towards the immigrant communities in Northern Ireland. The incident inadvertently lifted the lid on an ugly side of life that generally goes unpicked by the “two traditions”, presented by the media as a recent phenomenon.

Meanwhile, on the day Robinson issued his apology, a worker with a Traveller support group spoke plainly on the challenges facing the community to the few gathered in a draughty hall thirty miles away. She didn’t shy away from the need for Travellers to square up to themselves and take responsibilities. And sobered all up with stark facts on their comparatively shorter life expectancy and higher rates of suicide.

Strides made in education were also highlighted. One local school-leaver showing academic promise declined the chance to go university. He opted for the trades route at the further education college. University would have been perceived as a step too far within his family. Accompanying him to the interview, his mother proudly announced her son would be the first local Traveller to go further. The interviewer, a respected teacher, creased his face and warned there was a lot of equipment and tools in the building. He would be out on his ear if any of it were to go missing. A thing of the past, right? This happened last month.

I’d bet a bottle of the finest wine available to the pillars of the community, the very same man drew breath at Robinson’s anti-Muslim slur. We have a long tradition of shared traditions.

Waiting for vici

From: Your Sister

To: Your friends

Date: 20:18, 5th June 2014

Subject: Update on A’s Treatment

Four weeks out of surgery and going well.

The residual effects of chemotherapy aiding recovery.

Pathology results show both tumours remarkably reduced.

Spirits are high.

Next update most likely post radiotherapy.

____________________________________________________

To: Anyone reading

From: Me

Date: 21:44, 5th June 2014

Subject: Breast Cancer

What a cunt. Can I say the offensive C word on here?

Photosynthesis

By the hue of the sky and the chime of the off-licence door-bell, it must be that time of year again: The Leaving Cert.

I would love to impart some sage words of advice to you youngsters not reading this, fleshed out with a combination of nostalgia and a few keen insights unleashed with age; perhaps a wise quote thrown in for good tradition.

Truth is, I just wanted to say the word photosynthesis; it’s one of my favourite words of all time. It might even make the top 5. Up there with zupy (Polish for soup), possibly. Like most topics contained in my Leaving Cert exams (complex numbers, Peig, lifecycle of the liver fluke, oxbow lakes, Irish), I’ve never had to apply it to life, so I’m forced to engineer opportunities to slip in a few favourites here and there to impress my peers. Or rely on it to get me out of a few hairy corners, or dig me into a deeper hole.

Take that bloke I was mad keen on a few years back. We’re strolling through a city park with an allotment scheme. Unbeknownst to him, we’re romantically involved. I’m giving him the full Thunderbirds-on-speed treatment with my head-nodding in response to his thoughtful opinion on bio-cultures. He hits a crescendo with his Mary Robinson Claw™, then it’s over to me. And out it bursts without a second’s hesitation…”photosynthesis!!!”.

Thanks to my old alma mater, and MrsG specifically, for preparing me for survival of the weakest.

“When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom”

Larry David

Top 5 music documentaries

Searching for Sugar Man followed me around all weekend giving me a hankering for more of the same. More on that film in a minute, but first a nod to a few others that took up residence among my favourites and never left.

1. Buena Vista Social Club

Not long into this iconic film, children gather in a vast baroque hall in Havana. Sunlight swamps the interior showing off a faded glamour that has seen more opulent days. Young girls raise their legs to their ears striving for ballerina perfection, young boys swashbuckle forward with straight-armed determination during their fencing lesson. Headless horses are mounted and cartwheeled off, pirouettes are synchronised, bars are leapt on and rolled around. All against the backdrop of playful tunes swirling through the air from a piano in the corner. This is what passes for a gym in modern day Cuba. Undiluted joy without dialogue.

The pianist is snow-haired Ruben Gonzalez, one of the now-famous Cuban musicians from the 1950s that time had forgotten until Ry Cooder discovered they were alive and well. Wim Wenders takes care of directing duties, but the magic is all theirs. Any discordant notes come from the consequences of Castro’s vision and question marks over ideas of freedom and success in the viewer’s head.

2. The Last Waltz

“They got it now, Robbie”, Neil Young nods to Robbie Robertson as he strikes up the opening notes to Helpless. The sound glitch may have had less to do with the error of his fellow musicians than Young’s own timing. Robertson later quipped that editing out the remnants of white powder around his guest’s nose was the most expensive cocaine he ever bought.

Lyrical has been waxed and wrung on Mawti Scorsese’s legendary finale concert from The Band and their band of off-their-tits merry mates, but how many have singled out Van Morrison’s high kick for comment? You probably read it here last. One for the wee small hours somewhere between that impromptu first and fifth beer. The perfect sing-along party for one. “Turn it up!” and try not to injure yourself emulating Van.

3. Strange Powers

Giving us a rare glimpse into the off-limits world of Magnetic Fields’ misfit and lyricist, Stephin Merritt, this fly-on-the-wall film follows him over a decade. Magnetic Fields inhabit that category of bands that registers near obsession from fans, or blank faces from everyone else because they’d never heard of them. There is a disturbing growth of a third group that well-up at weddings over Peter Gabriel’s sacrilegious re-hashing of the doleful Book of Love. Insert your own imagined withering response from Merritt to that.

We know little more about Merritt by the end. The complexity of his character remains in the shadows as the light is shone on the process of making the music that bends us double. His weary baritone is cooked up in a tiny apartment over ukuleles, his loyal cellist in the bathroom, the dutiful bassist in the sink (probably), all conducted by Fields’ stalwart, Claudia Gonson. Access is given to the touching, if sometimes painful, dynamic between Merritt and the expressive pianist, the other half of his on-stage double banter act, and sometime manager. Gonson worries aloud she will be creatively left at sea if the ensemble were to wind-up. What’s left unsaid is what will be lost to her personally if they part, but it’s written all over her face.

They’re still together. So try to see them, and this, while you can.

4. Dig!

What do you get if you cross The Dandy Warhols with Brian Jonestown Massacre? Two bands united by a love of psychedelic sounds and a professed urgent need to jointly get the revolution started. Followed by parallel rivalry, success and failure, orders to beat up their fans, one-up-front-manship, and a lot of sheer madness in this romp of a film that has guaranteed both bands a certain cult status and their surly faces in the pantheon of documentary greats.

5. Searching for Sugar Man

And so back to our man, Sugar. Look away now if you’d prefer to see it fresh.

The film follows a pair of South African music-lovers in the 90s on their trail to track down 70s troubadour, Rodriguez. The Detroit native’s two albums of peace, love, and gentle political resistance, met with paltry US record sales and he was deported back to obscurity. Meanwhile, his music went on to achieve iconic status in South Africa, overtaking Elvis at the tills with his face becoming a poster-boy for a mass of white students united in their unreported resistance to apartheid.

I’ve since learned on watching the film, that the obscurity Rodriguez was condemned to was not altogether permanent or exclusive. It left a slightly funny aftertaste. That his music was an instrument of protest among white South Africans was independent of his success elsewhere, but the latter not entirely from the portrait of him as an artist who was exiled in commercial failure. That is the parallel subject of the film, along with the meaning of success, and the force of an indomitable spirit that will find a valve in civilian life. The more wry and philosophical comments on the relationship between class and dreams came from the mouths of the most ordinary people featured in the film.

For those reasons, any inaccuracies can be forgiven since it’s still a great yarn. It tells the story of a remarkable man, and gives a riveting insight to part of South Africa’s hidden history.

Feel free to share any recommendations, or views to the contrary.

On the mama-margins

I share your chin-strokes over growth-spurts, school choices, and ridiculous tantrums best ignored, but less so your anxiety over balancing career with children.

The gender-heavy aisle division of toys and clothes arches my brow, too; but I don’t think about it for very long.

I’m a mother, but identify more with being a parent.

I covet your homemade cakes, but there’s not a snowball’s (mmmm..snowballs) chance in hell I’ll get round to baking one.

I, too, feel my identity under attack, but more for reasons of rootlessness than feeling arrested.

For every on-line high-five exchanged between you, I have a momentary awkward hover over the ‘like’ button out of a weird sense of manners.

My child is tall. She has deep brown eyes, a thousand yard stare, and long fly-away hair that grows at a rate of an acre an hour. That’s probably as far as I can go public with a visual of her.

Being fortunate to have a child has affected me profoundly also. I can frequently be found looking through every photo of her from birth but the feelings are bigger than the vocabulary available to me, and I’ve given up the search for it.

My guilt is mainly the retrospective kind; the futile sort. It hits when I think of the state of my savings and former life-long propensity for living-in-the-moment that risks threatening the quality of rainy days.

They say fluency in any language comes with practice. I’ve never had a flair for any; it took me a year to master broken parenting, and I read it better than I speak it. I’ve plateaued at reasonable working proficiency but doubt I’ll ever hold my own with the natives, no matter how welcoming and friendly they are.