Suggestion Box

This is probably a premature and overly ambitious post given this blog’s small (but beautifully formed) following. I haven’t elaborated on why I took to the electronic quill, and I don’t know if it’s worth thinking about too much. If there’s a certain freedom to be found in writing, that feeling is maintained by keeping the space between the words free from reasons for them.

I’ve had to credit spontaneity more than once for progress in life (“Let’s stick a pin in a map! Denmark? Fuck it, let’s go live there” “I’d love go to the Netherlands. With no money” “Work with a triple X hard-core paramilitary infested community on every other side of the track? Fuck it, why not!” “Let’s run away and get married” etc.). This blog was another small act of defiance against boredom.

Being undisciplined in every aspect of life bar work and love makes for occasionally fun  – but sometimes chaotic – consequences. I find myself now in need of applying occasional discipline to the words here. Blogging is mostly about giving, but receiving the thoughts of others gives the thrill of thinking on the hoof. I type faster responding to another on a messageboard discussion than typing aloud to myself here to start with.

So if you would like to give me a keyboard up, feel free to throw out a topic or a post title or a line or a whatever you’re having yourself, below this post. I’ll aim to pick it up and run with it to see where it takes me. You can do it anonymously, if you prefer. The response function asks for an email but you can make one up. Pity suggestions to break up the rush of tumbleweeds are also welcome.

Thanks

The pregnant pause

Snip. Snip. “What age is your wee one then?” Snip. “Coming two and a half”. Snip. Snip. Snip. “They’re some craic at that age” “Aye, indeed”. Snip. “Do you have any children yourself?” “No”. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. “What if I take another inch off the ends for you?” Snip. Snip. “Sorry?” “What about another inch off the end?” “Sure”

[later that evening]

Chat. Chat. “It’s a lovely party” [I still can’t believe I said that] “Yeah, it’s all confirmations and christenings with us at the moment”. “Good stuff, how are you enjoying your retirement?” “Very well. I’m just taking things at my leisure. And what about yourself? Aren’t you due sometime soon?” “Sorry?” “Aren’t you due in a few months?” “Ah, you must be thinking of my Sister-in-law….”

[earlier that day]

“No”. Snip. Snip.

Shit. What do I say? I know fuck all about this woman. What can I possibly say? Think, woman, think. I hate this small talk shit. Maybe she’s cool with it. Who am I to be volunteering on behalf of her private possibly non-existent disappointment. She’s what? late 40s? Maybe that was her plan. What do I know. What if it wasn’t? She must get this 50 times a day. And I only asked because it seemed like she probably had, and because I used to hate it when no-one asked me when I had none. As much as I hated it when they did ask me. I bet her thought bubble is urging my thought bubble to hurry the fuck up and say something. I’m going to have to think of something else to talk about.

“What if I take another inch off the ends for you?”

She did a great job of my hair.

[later that evening]

“Ah, you must be thinking of my Sister-in-law….”

*automatically sucks tummy in* Who the fuck heard that? *furtive glance around* Phew. I fucking knew it. And I can’t even blame this ridiculous floaty top. Just keep talking because this poor woman is mortified and I’d die if I were in her shoes. Don’t worry, love, we’ve all been there. Well, only once in my case when I thought it would be rude not to ask a hairdresser if she was due soon after maintaining a lifetime’s indifference to in-my-face bumps/women panting/asking me to get them towels/moaning about having a baby etc., just to be on the safe side. A sorry lesson followed by a tense 20 minute haircut, made worse by forgetting my purse and enduring an excruciating polite-off when both of us just wanted the ground to open up and swallow us whole. Like the ground was 89 months pregnant. Like a hump-back bridge. And now it’s my turn. Just talk this woman to death and move on, and hopefully I’ll get some of that Malteser cheesecake knocking about without her noticing.

“…Yeah, she’s due at the end of the month. Her other one is all excited, waiting for the new wee baby brother or sister. You know yourself. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah de fucking blah.”

The cheesecake was lovely.

Cherish all the wombs equally

They crossed the threshold of their bodies
To dictate the progress of their pregnancies
Wombs from good stock, respectable wombs
Unredeemable wombs, children’s wombs
Wombs that gave birth to children born outside of dignity
The dignity of life reserved for life inside the wombs
Wombs from well-to-dos, do-what-you-want-with-them wombs
Fallen wombs, wombs from impoverished backgrounds
Against the background of dignified silence and shame
Shame on them all
All of us

The guineapigs

Watching RTÉ’s investigation on internment the other evening, I was reminded of a gable wall on a building on the outskirts of Derry. I occasionally inched by it amid the Friday evening gridlock on my way through the border to my folks’ to load up their washing machine with my clothes, and my fridge with their groceries. Respected student traditions.

The tradition of murals had long been synonymous with the North; thermometers for reading the fever on the streets and reactions to a concoction of political drugs prescribed to the public.

On this particular wall, in unequivocal black and white (Calibri, I think), roared the following:

If those who make the law

Break the law

In the name of the law

There is no law

Stark. Quotable, even. But it’s signed by the Provisional IRA, which brings another quote to mind: “The oppressed, instead of striving for liberation, tend themselves to become oppressors”, which liberates many of us from entertaining their a la carte philosophising incompatible with our own.

Amazingly, to me, it would seem that many people on this island had not heard of Jean McConville until recently. With that in mind, the programme was a timely return to the exposure of state-sponsored human rights abuses; the horrific treatment of the ‘hooded men’ by British interrogation teams. Practices that would ordinarily draw gasps reserved for the victims of torture in orange overalls, or in countries with a culture of barbarism in languages we don’t understand.

The programme drew the axis of torture from London to Belfast to the European Court of Human Rights back to London over to Iraq, and crossing the Atlantic to Washington and back to the Middle East again. Oppression does not exist in a vacuum, the oppressed do not retaliate in a vacuum. Substitute either term with whatever group or rationale you’re comfortable supporting. That’s how the law tended to work. As Behan wryly observed, the terrorist is usually the man holding the smaller bomb. Internment turned out to be one of the more lethal ones dropped. Along with Bloody Sunday, it was the biggest recruitment event for the Provos.

Little has been made in the North of this latest effort at lateral truth-finding. Its First Minister is busy extinguishing the flames from another fire that threatens to burn his credibility. Peter Robinson finally caved in to pressure to publicly apologise to the Muslim community he had casually denigrated with his flat-earth ‘joke’ about trusting them to go the local shop, but not into local politics. It followed his defence of another bigot-at-large, Pastor James McConnell.

In addition to revealing his own bigotry, Robinson exposed the fallacy of certain Protestant religious fundamentalists. There’s a potential axis of bigotry that joins a strain of Ulster Protestantism with Tea-party politicians who rely on a defined enemy (immigrants, Muslims, poor people, the odd Catholic etc.) to enable the best of their Christian values to flourish. With God’s will, they shall be born again. Into material riches and a skewed idea of empowerment. All the stuff their man Jesus was vigorously campaigning about.

Much has been written over the past week on the rise of racist abuse and attacks towards the immigrant communities in Northern Ireland. The incident inadvertently lifted the lid on an ugly side of life that generally goes unpicked by the “two traditions”, presented by the media as a recent phenomenon.

Meanwhile, on the day Robinson issued his apology, a worker with a Traveller support group spoke plainly on the challenges facing the community to the few gathered in a draughty hall thirty miles away. She didn’t shy away from the need for Travellers to square up to themselves and take responsibilities. And sobered all up with stark facts on their comparatively shorter life expectancy and higher rates of suicide.

Strides made in education were also highlighted. One local school-leaver showing academic promise declined the chance to go university. He opted for the trades route at the further education college. University would have been perceived as a step too far within his family. Accompanying him to the interview, his mother proudly announced her son would be the first local Traveller to go further. The interviewer, a respected teacher, creased his face and warned there was a lot of equipment and tools in the building. He would be out on his ear if any of it were to go missing. A thing of the past, right? This happened last month.

I’d bet a bottle of the finest wine available to the pillars of the community, the very same man drew breath at Robinson’s anti-Muslim slur. We have a long tradition of shared traditions.

Waiting for vici

From: Your Sister

To: Your friends

Date: 20:18, 5th June 2014

Subject: Update on A’s Treatment

Four weeks out of surgery and going well.

The residual effects of chemotherapy aiding recovery.

Pathology results show both tumours remarkably reduced.

Spirits are high.

Next update most likely post radiotherapy.

____________________________________________________

To: Anyone reading

From: Me

Date: 21:44, 5th June 2014

Subject: Breast Cancer

What a cunt. Can I say the offensive C word on here?

Photosynthesis

By the hue of the sky and the chime of the off-licence door-bell, it must be that time of year again: The Leaving Cert.

I would love to impart some sage words of advice to you youngsters not reading this, fleshed out with a combination of nostalgia and a few keen insights unleashed with age; perhaps a wise quote thrown in for good tradition.

Truth is, I just wanted to say the word photosynthesis; it’s one of my favourite words of all time. It might even make the top 5. Up there with zupy (Polish for soup), possibly. Like most topics contained in my Leaving Cert exams (complex numbers, Peig, lifecycle of the liver fluke, oxbow lakes, Irish), I’ve never had to apply it to life, so I’m forced to engineer opportunities to slip in a few favourites here and there to impress my peers. Or rely on it to get me out of a few hairy corners, or dig me into a deeper hole.

Take that bloke I was mad keen on a few years back. We’re strolling through a city park with an allotment scheme. Unbeknownst to him, we’re romantically involved. I’m giving him the full Thunderbirds-on-speed treatment with my head-nodding in response to his thoughtful opinion on bio-cultures. He hits a crescendo with his Mary Robinson Claw™, then it’s over to me. And out it bursts without a second’s hesitation…”photosynthesis!!!”.

Thanks to my old alma mater, and MrsG specifically, for preparing me for survival of the weakest.

“When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom”

Larry David

Top 5 music documentaries

Searching for Sugar Man followed me around all weekend giving me a hankering for more of the same. More on that film in a minute, but first a nod to a few others that took up residence among my favourites and never left.

1. Buena Vista Social Club

Not long into this iconic film, children gather in a vast baroque hall in Havana. Sunlight swamps the interior showing off a faded glamour that has seen more opulent days. Young girls raise their legs to their ears striving for ballerina perfection, young boys swashbuckle forward with straight-armed determination during their fencing lesson. Headless horses are mounted and cartwheeled off, pirouettes are synchronised, bars are leapt on and rolled around. All against the backdrop of playful tunes swirling through the air from a piano in the corner. This is what passes for a gym in modern day Cuba. Undiluted joy without dialogue.

The pianist is snow-haired Ruben Gonzalez, one of the now-famous Cuban musicians from the 1950s that time had forgotten until Ry Cooder discovered they were alive and well. Wim Wenders takes care of directing duties, but the magic is all theirs. Any discordant notes come from the consequences of Castro’s vision and question marks over ideas of freedom and success in the viewer’s head.

2. The Last Waltz

“They got it now, Robbie”, Neil Young nods to Robbie Robertson as he strikes up the opening notes to Helpless. The sound glitch may have had less to do with the error of his fellow musicians than Young’s own timing. Robertson later quipped that editing out the remnants of white powder around his guest’s nose was the most expensive cocaine he ever bought.

Lyrical has been waxed and wrung on Mawti Scorsese’s legendary finale concert from The Band and their band of off-their-tits merry mates, but how many have singled out Van Morrison’s high kick for comment? You probably read it here last. One for the wee small hours somewhere between that impromptu first and fifth beer. The perfect sing-along party for one. “Turn it up!” and try not to injure yourself emulating Van.

3. Strange Powers

Giving us a rare glimpse into the off-limits world of Magnetic Fields’ misfit and lyricist, Stephin Merritt, this fly-on-the-wall film follows him over a decade. Magnetic Fields inhabit that category of bands that registers near obsession from fans, or blank faces from everyone else because they’d never heard of them. There is a disturbing growth of a third group that well-up at weddings over Peter Gabriel’s sacrilegious re-hashing of the doleful Book of Love. Insert your own imagined withering response from Merritt to that.

We know little more about Merritt by the end. The complexity of his character remains in the shadows as the light is shone on the process of making the music that bends us double. His weary baritone is cooked up in a tiny apartment over ukuleles, his loyal cellist in the bathroom, the dutiful bassist in the sink (probably), all conducted by Fields’ stalwart, Claudia Gonson. Access is given to the touching, if sometimes painful, dynamic between Merritt and the expressive pianist, the other half of his on-stage double banter act, and sometime manager. Gonson worries aloud she will be creatively left at sea if the ensemble were to wind-up. What’s left unsaid is what will be lost to her personally if they part, but it’s written all over her face.

They’re still together. So try to see them, and this, while you can.

4. Dig!

What do you get if you cross The Dandy Warhols with Brian Jonestown Massacre? Two bands united by a love of psychedelic sounds and a professed urgent need to jointly get the revolution started. Followed by parallel rivalry, success and failure, orders to beat up their fans, one-up-front-manship, and a lot of sheer madness in this romp of a film that has guaranteed both bands a certain cult status and their surly faces in the pantheon of documentary greats.

5. Searching for Sugar Man

And so back to our man, Sugar. Look away now if you’d prefer to see it fresh.

The film follows a pair of South African music-lovers in the 90s on their trail to track down 70s troubadour, Rodriguez. The Detroit native’s two albums of peace, love, and gentle political resistance, met with paltry US record sales and he was deported back to obscurity. Meanwhile, his music went on to achieve iconic status in South Africa, overtaking Elvis at the tills with his face becoming a poster-boy for a mass of white students united in their unreported resistance to apartheid.

I’ve since learned on watching the film, that the obscurity Rodriguez was condemned to was not altogether permanent or exclusive. It left a slightly funny aftertaste. That his music was an instrument of protest among white South Africans was independent of his success elsewhere, but the latter not entirely from the portrait of him as an artist who was exiled in commercial failure. That is the parallel subject of the film, along with the meaning of success, and the force of an indomitable spirit that will find a valve in civilian life. The more wry and philosophical comments on the relationship between class and dreams came from the mouths of the most ordinary people featured in the film.

For those reasons, any inaccuracies can be forgiven since it’s still a great yarn. It tells the story of a remarkable man, and gives a riveting insight to part of South Africa’s hidden history.

Feel free to share any recommendations, or views to the contrary.

On the mama-margins

I share your chin-strokes over growth-spurts, school choices, and ridiculous tantrums best ignored, but less so your anxiety over balancing career with children.

The gender-heavy aisle division of toys and clothes arches my brow, too; but I don’t think about it for very long.

I’m a mother, but identify more with being a parent.

I covet your homemade cakes, but there’s not a snowball’s (mmmm..snowballs) chance in hell I’ll get round to baking one.

I, too, feel my identity under attack, but more for reasons of rootlessness than feeling arrested.

For every on-line high-five exchanged between you, I have a momentary awkward hover over the ‘like’ button out of a weird sense of manners.

My child is tall. She has deep brown eyes, a thousand yard stare, and long fly-away hair that grows at a rate of an acre an hour. That’s probably as far as I can go public with a visual of her.

Being fortunate to have a child has affected me profoundly also. I can frequently be found looking through every photo of her from birth but the feelings are bigger than the vocabulary available to me, and I’ve given up the search for it.

My guilt is mainly the retrospective kind; the futile sort. It hits when I think of the state of my savings and former life-long propensity for living-in-the-moment that risks threatening the quality of rainy days.

They say fluency in any language comes with practice. I’ve never had a flair for any; it took me a year to master broken parenting, and I read it better than I speak it. I’ve plateaued at reasonable working proficiency but doubt I’ll ever hold my own with the natives, no matter how welcoming and friendly they are.

Retracebook

Minimised in the corner of this screen is a portal to the past in the shape of a photograph. It is of a teenage boy averting his gaze from his dancing partner to somewhere off camera as they shuffle awkwardly in their finery at their prom. Or debs. Or tracey. Or sharon. It scratches at my peripheral vision and I am compelled to open it again, study it, minimise, maximise, minimise. Its sender tells me the boy now shares his life with a woman in America, and has a teenage boy of his own with another.

The determination to stay social networking sober does not guarantee immunity from passive snooping. One click on a teasing email subject and I’m staring my past right in the spotty face.

Closer inspection reveals his partner as the one who replaced me. It was inevitable. A careless kiss with another would see to it that I had killed it as far as he was concerned. Our two years together survived parental interference brought on by intervention from the nuns brought on from the curiosity brought on by the early morning shadow that passed their windows. He would ease his way back out of my bedroom window at dawn, cross the field, and cut through the convent grounds before jumping behind the wall and in through his own. Huddled innocently together on my bed, we compared the size of our hands and lay still against the backdrop of quarrelling parents, bickering siblings and the Big Ben bells at 10 on the telly. The strip of light disappearing from beneath the door at midnight signalling the end of family strife.

The mattress replaced the steps by the parochial house where we sat after school. Right under the nose of those collared conquerors of passion. A daily ritual forged after a summer’s eyeballing on the Green from opposing teams in a season long game of rounders. We had already engaged in a heady exchange of compilation tapes, the intensity of commitment measured by the frequency of shared folks songs ‘with meaning’ (me), and power ballads and rock anthems (he). He was fourteen, quiet, with a fondness for all the wrong music, and Charles Bronson films. I was a year younger with a taste for colourful shoes, and my head (and sometimes my hair) in the clouds. Both of us about to find the other in the shape of our first love.

[several paragraphs later]

And then I emerged from my mother’s womb, totally naked. The shame.

The beginning.

Thanks Facebook. You are to the soul what Peppa Pig is to psychoanalysis.