eHomogeneity

Yesterday, it lashed rain for most of the day so I was condemned to the local soft-play centre for a few hours with our one to run off some energy (her) and try to hide behind the Sunday papers (me). No sooner had I opened a supplement to partake in some mildly bitter lifestyle envy, when the first of three parents landed in with a brood, shortly followed by the other two.

It quickly transpired they all knew each other and their collision was a random surprise. The chat about their children took off as they were waved off; each of them taking it in turn to spring up momentarily to warn one of their off-spring to refrain from inflicting pain on another.

Each politely and engagingly inquired how each other’s children were doing. They spoke about the challenges of getting them to focus on doing their homework. Confidence levels between girls and boys were sized up with two registering worry that their girls exhibit greater reluctance to assert themselves in contrast to their boys. After-school programme options at their respective schools were listed and enthusiastically reconciled with the interests and talents of the little folk attending.

It was a familiar scene no doubt cascaded across the nation on a hostile Sunday morning; when one parent is relieved of getting up while the other shepherds their children out of the house to leave it in peace. Unremarkable in many ways.

It shouldn’t be remarkable that these parents were in fact fathers, but I’m rarely in their company so it was both a novelty and an affirmation of what we already know about the centrality of fathers in contemporary child-rearing. I wasn’t watching them while wearing rose-tinted glasses. We know the economic imbalances that characterise the roles and responsibilities in the home and workplace of women and men with children. It’s fair to generalise that the brunt of financial loss and decision-making gain is borne by women. That’s a given. But that doesn’t negate from the evolution of child-rearing as a joint task compared with our parents’ generation. In the main.

Women shouldn’t have to perpetually gender check themselves when relaying their own parental experiences; but men don’t need to be stay-at-home-dads to scratch their heads over many of the same anxieties that have women exchanging furrowed-brows. It may not be the cultural norm for men to take to the keyboard to tease these things out; but in taking to the keyboard many of us are not doing so as single parents. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference. That’s not to suggest the existence of domestic utopia, but just an acknowledgement of child-rearing as a predominantly shared crusade.

For all the overlaps in the chat from yesterday’s ear-wigged on men with the worries of women, it’s impossible to imagine fathers being characterised in over-generalised terms in the same way mothers tend to be. There are probably competing answers to that from every academic discipline imaginable. But it doesn’t make it any easier to square with family life as it is. In the main.

On becoming a parent

My dodgy pelvic floor serves as a reminder of my status as a woman who has given birth. All genuflect. There’s also a child knocking about somewhere. Last time I saw her, she was gazing up at imaginary stars through the net windows in her little circus tent from the discomfort of a bed of Lego, explaining her version of the solar system to Ernie.

My version of this form of relaxation is to hide under the bed covers and gaze up at the light-shade wondering what possessed me to buy one that resembles a tumble-weed. Then throw my eyes up at its aptness. Next time, I’m buying one in the shape of planet Earth.  A safer distance all round.

tumbleweed

Probably the most apt image for this post

In the invisible space that is my heart, I feel privileged to be her mother in the classic definition of the term.  And frequently hope I won’t spectacularly fuck it up.  Last count, I had a list of 563 potential ways this could happen.  A future blog post draft perhaps.

At home, I am known mostly as Mammy, or Mama, when she’s indulging in a bit of regression to wrangle something out of me that’s on the list with the other 562 not-to-dos. Her Dad will refer her to her Mum when chickening out of saying no.  Lately, she has taken to addressing me by my first name.  At four syllables, this was one of her more impressive feats of speech until it was overtaken this week by Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.  She learned this at her childminders, where I am known as the colloquially hard-vowelled Mummy.  My own Ma refers to me as her Mam, while my best mate will order her into the frame with her Mom so she can snap a photo of us both.

To the rest of the world, I am known simply as A Mother™. In the modern media definition of the term. A word that has come to be hyper invested with the overbearing weight of responsibility and sacrifice. Imbued with guilt and heartbreak.  Burdened with agonising decision-making, and persistent re-shaping of a sense of self. Subject of ninth degree scrutiny. Growth topic within the comment and publishing industry. Heart of the fall-out of social and fiscal policies. Line in the game of tug o’war between feminists. Guardian of the supreme human bond. Secular saint. Unpaid hero. Doer of her best. Battler for choice.  Holding-it-togetherer. Journeywoman. Protagonist in the mummy wars. Judged. Juror. High-fiving keeper of the flame of camaraderie.

It’s so exhausting; it’d nearly have me reaching for a bottle of wine. Oops.  A mother self-medicating. Quick, Morag! Shoulders up against the flood-gates.

It’s not that I can’t relate to much of it, or have any desire to deny the common experiences of many. In reality, the common denominator of sharing similar genitalia is the first and last time women who have children are at one. The rest of childrearing and the experience of being a mother is beyond consensus, but not camaraderie. Camaraderie still allows for difference of opinion, and difference of opinion isn’t tantamount to judgement of another.  A clash of views doesn’t constitute a mammy war. Not all contested terrains can be classified as bloody battlegrounds. Grounds for having a different point of view doesn’t equate to a betrayal. When views are relative to individual experience, there’s going to be a few curled lips among the thumbs up.

So, I’ve decided to stop passively letting the enormity of such a word define me. To unmoor myself from its double-edged function of acknowledging my role while ascribing all sorts of assumptions, many of which I’m not altogether sure about. Instead I’ve decided to stick with being a…. parent. It works for her Da.

Sorry you’re having a birthday

There comes a moment in every employee’s life when panic strikes fear in to the most indifferent of hearts. Or the other way about. Fear, panic. Either works. No, not sending an email slagging off the boss to the very boss. Close. That’s right, you’ve guessed it. I’m talking about when one is required to Sign The Card. Oh fuck no. Not The Card. Yeah. The Card.

Hardly a week goes by but someone I half know/tolerate has had a new baby, celebrating their leaving, or being congratulated for going off sick. Occasionally, someone will have had a bereavement, which, while sad, is also the terrifying moment when you realise exclamation marks can’t be relied on as a substitute for an actual message. Even if that sentiment is “thank Christ you’re leaving”.

Here are the six universal steps to signing the office circulated card as observed over some painful years:

1. Ignore the card/Wait until everyone else signs it first.

2. Find the least eye-drawing spot remaining; usually one of the bottom-hand corners, or in between two loud messages with enough room your own barely decipherable font size 5.

3. Quickly skim over what others have written while straining to conceal the fact you’re doing this. (See number 4) Curl your lip at what a lick arse/dull/unfunny person such and such is. (optional) Admire the blokes for their uniformly succinct no-nonsense ‘Best wishes, Dave’, even when their name isn’t Dave. (also optional)

4. Attack the card with the nib of your ball-point in a confident manner that suggests you don’t have to think about what to say, the perfect witticism just rolls off your pen.

5. Try to avoid staring into the middle distance for too long with the pen between your teeth in a bid to come up with a witticism that just won’t roll off your pen. No-one likes a lick-arse, or a thoughtful, decent person. Where I work anyway.

6. Five minutes later, just write a variation of all the other bland wishes already down only with extra exclamation marks attached. (Welcome to the sleepless world of parenting!!! etc.)

It’s creepy using codified language for “you lucky bastard” right below the boss’s insincere request for the person leaving to keep in touch but it has to be done. If you’re feeling brave, you could draw an arrow up towards the boss’s comment and spray a lot of LOLs around the place. Be careful to avoid committing absent-minded faux pas such as wishing the person happy birthday on a sympathy card, or sorry you’re leaving on a get well card. (guilty on both counts).

Beware the get well cards. Always check its source. In one job, a particularly heartfelt card was circulated around the office with alarming eagerness by the boss. The intended recipient was on sick leave due to being bullied by said boss. So I shoved it behind the radiator and it remained one of the great unsolved mysteries, and an agenda item at the next staff meeting.

Finally, approach the leaving card with caution. A few of my former colleagues and I took the time to make a leaving card for a soon-to-be former colleague. The woman cheerfully accepted the gesture only to fix me with an evil eye twenty gin and tonics later to point out that the boat had both a sail and an engine, which was obviously indicative of our desire to make sure she left.

ahoy-ah003

Choppy waters for that particularly sexist colleague who’s leaving 

The Bar Exam

“Same again”, gestures the customer waving an empty pint glass aloft.

“Sure. Eh, what was that?”

Two weeks on the job and Jimmy is struggling to command his side of the bar. The customer had already flattened a Guinness.

“Ah of course”, Jimmy gestures back with the smack of his palm off his own forehead. He should’ve known that. Any eejit looking at the glass would’ve registered the remnants of the creamy head sliding down one side; much like his confidence. He glances round to see if Sean clocked his latest cock-up. The thud of a barrel out back announces the arrival of the week’s deliveries.

He resisted his flatmate’s assurances before taking the job. “I don’t know anything about football. Or the weather. Or the tourist spots. Or how to bloody well get to Bono’s gaff”.  “Yeah, but you’re broke and you need the money so quit whinging and get in there”.

In the time it takes the kettle to boil for a hot whiskey, the chemical alchemy of the pint is complete. Ivory rises up to crown the black. Sean’s roaring can be heard competing with the stealth attack from another fifteen barrels but neither Jimmy nor the delivery driver can hear what he’s saying.

Jimmy runs the knife across the head of the pint, siphoning off the soufflé effect leaving it level with the rim of the glass. He thinks this unnecessary, the ruination of the perfect looking pint. But the others do it, and whatever they do he must, too. The surest way to pass what Sean proudly decrees “De Real Bar Exam”.

He slides a fresh beer mat onto the table directly below a headline cautioning against leaving the shopping too late. Landing the pint on top, he receives a fiver for his trouble. “Keep the change”. The request is made without either men’s eyes lifting off the newspaper one is holding.  “Thanks”, replies Johnny, wondering what he’ll spend his five cent on, fearful this might be a question on de exam.

“Never mind those boys with their fancy gowns,” sneers Sean frequently, pointing directly across to the sex toy shop.  Presumably he means the Four Courts half a mile further up the river. “This is where the proper bar exam is sat”. Jimmy is tempted to query if the real bar exam is possibly stood for, rather than sat. But he doesn’t, he laughs because that’s what the others do.

The growl of the lorry engine pulling out is deadened by the slam of the store doors. In shuffles Sean waving paperwork. “More bleedin’ heartbreak”. He pours hours’ old coffee into his Homer Simpson mug while helping himself to a Snack bar. The pink wafer one. Sean reckons the purple ones are over-rated. Like bacon fries and Love/Hate. “Give me a John Wayne film any day over that crap”.

“Have you not got any cloves?”, the voice small but determined. Jimmy looks quizzically over at the man in the corner. His aged frame bent over into a pose forever compatible with questions as if he is perpetually, but politely, looking for something. “For the hot whiskey like. Have yiz no cloves?”

“Top shelf above the kettle”, barks Sean. “These college boys wha’. They can tell me how many units of cloves I’d need to shift to make a profit but they wouldn’t know what to do with one”, eye-rolling his way backwards out through kitchen door, both hands full, invoices filed between his lips.

Jimmy serves another pair of hot whiskeys later in the afternoon. He studs the cloves into the lemon in the shape of a crucifix with no idea why; it just formed that way. He spends a few minutes giving serious consideration to the potential of clove art before curling his own lip at himself. Art college boys wha’, he thinks. Wouldn’t know what to do with symbolic clove encrusted lemons other than serve them up to unsuspecting American tourists.

It’s nearing five. Credits on the horse-racing bring it to a close. He braces himself for the dam burst of disgruntled workers eager to loosen their ties, determined not to take too many orders simultaneously and risk incurring the wrath of Sean by failing to flick the beer tap up in time. Before there’s a landslide down all sides of the glass. It’s still too soon for those flashy moves.

Looking around for the remote control, he feels the wind at his back before the door slams shut. The sound reminds him of the church doors from when he went to mass as a child, and the occasional Christmas Eve on the way to his parents’ house from the pub to hear O Holy Night with just enough drink in him to wring out all the year’s sadness and happiness in one sitting of tears. It’s been years since he’s done that, he thinks.  He would always try to leave it a few seconds before turning round to see who arrived in late so he wouldn’t appear too keen, or risk being recognised.  Looking around the congregation, he is always struck by how the little sisters of all his mates have grown into gorgeous women, and surely an age gap of five years is nothing now. Is it?

The screen falls dead before he turns to walk back towards the couple removing hats and gloves at the end of the counter.

“What’ll be folks?”

“Jimmy..eh..I didn’t realise..hi”

He hadn’t recognised her with the hat on. Loud and colourful.  The hat, that is. She was always colourful in that way her enthusiasm for cracking chat was as exuberant as the defense of her own seventies disco listening habits. Her passion for matters of justice as direct and unapologetic as all the reasons she stated they could no longer be together. That was three years ago. Actually, two years, ten months, and twenty-three days.

“Suzanne. Jesus. How are ya?”

“Great..good now. Eh this is Tom.”

Jimmy offers his hand but Tom is too busy stashing his gloves in his pockets to stretch his out on time. Two hands from two different pairs retreat, both out of sync with the moment.

“So, what’ll it be?”

Most of the time

I don’t believe in an interventionist God. That’s another thing I have in common with Nick Cave along with the appearance of a receding hairline. (Nice one, nature.) Nor do I believe in an omnipotent creator to whom we owe everything and who watches over everything; to whom we owe a duty of worship and who will reward us with eternal life in paradise, with or without virgins, or a deathtime’s supply of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Consequently, I don’t believe in any of the organised religions that espouse that kind of deity. I can tell you what I don’t believe in more than what I do. I’m of no fixed faith. Except in humanity. Most of the time.

Still, that won’t ever stop me from occasionally claiming squatters rights in the back pew of an empty church seeking sanctuary from the rotation crop of head woes. Any branch of The Bank of God will do. But always the left-hand side. Force of habit from many a day-dreaming hour spent there in the company of other children in receipt of stern looks from arched browed parents threatening us with a clip round the ear if we didn’t sit up right.

I made it to fourteen before graduating to free-will. The age when being within a two mile radius of my parents became untenable due to the threat it posed to my teenage credentials. Credentials carefully crafted through back-combing, sulking and failure to cooperate with authority. I’d already lost patience with the Virgin Mary for not respecting my demands to appear to me. Or at least give me a sneaky wink from any one of the numerous ornate marble homages to her adorning the place. I gave her enough chances by taking her on in lengthy staring competitions. She always won, all the while appearing pre-occupied. Mary checking her phone for texts from Joseph. Mary looking slightly hungover. Mary taking yet another selfie etc.

virgin-mary-statue

“I really shouldn’t have had that tequila”

It’s impossible to conceive of those days now. Moving statues making headlines, Corpus Christi processions snaking through the streets, the Child of Prague going on tour round the houses for a few rosary gigs. And yet, churches remain the only indoor incubator of a rare quality of stillness. One dense with generations of special intentions. Most of the time, churches don’t register on my radar, but once in a while I get swept in to one by the draw of the candlelight and the need to flee my own muddle-headedness.

So conditioned am I, my hand almost reaches out involuntarily towards the water font. The coin lands on a bed of others. I straighten the wick on a candle and light it off another. Another born of hope or gratitude. Who knows. The flame gathers steam and elbows its way into the row with confidence, chattering back and forth to its neighbours.

Lighting candles is no substitute for thinking well of those you love. But chances are, the flame outlasts the time between slipping back out onto the street and a return to other things that occupy the mind for most of the time.

Tuesday night music club #4

On a Saturday. The morning after the laugh with old friends before, youtubing my way out of bed with the echoes of pub chat ricocheting off the pillows.

What to say about this track. Nothing. A comment below the video nailed it better than I ever could:

“This song has a carefree and youthful melody that is seriously addicting. When you’re at that age where you think you’re going to live forever and life just seems like one endless adventure because there’s so much you’ve yet to experience. It makes me want to run through an open field and do cartwheels or link hands with a friend and spin around in a circle until we get dizzy and fall”

Open field might be pushing it, but I’ll chance the kitchen. I’m off to grab my daughter’s reluctant little hands for a spin around. Wring the last drops out of the residual high before the inevitable blindsiding crash at noon when she’ll take a notion she wants to it hear again. *Munch scream*

Study: Women with more cardigans are more productive at work

A word of encouragement for any wool-loving working woman: You are actually more productive than your cardigan-less peers.

That’s the conclusion of a recent study from Leitrim Credit Union, which found that over a 30-year career, cardigan-wearing women outperformed women without cardigans at almost every stage of the game. In fact, women with at least two cardigans were the most productive of all. This comes on the back of a similar study reported in the Washington Post earlier this week.

Here’s how the researchers (all cashmere lovers, by the way) came up with those results: They wanted to understand the impact of wearing cardigans on middle-lower skilled women, but their work is often just too easy to quantify. How do you determine the negligibly greater productivity of a cash teller or a toll-booth operator or a fast-fast counter worker?

They decided to ignore the amount of research published by more than oh… a gazillion academics on the glaring fact that women occupy the majority of lower-skilled, lower-paid work in the market force, which is more than enough for a proxy for their performance. A job in the lowly houses of the service industries requires straight forward, frequently hard graft by definition, and their work and contribution to the economy is easily measured.

The results were surprising. For men, owners of one cardigan and those with none performed similarly through their careers. But men with two or more cardigans were more productive than both groups.

The effect for women was even more dramatic. Using their own method for remembering when they wore a cardigan, the authors found that within the first five or so years of their jobs, women who never wore cardigans substantially underperform those who do. (The difference in productivity between women with one cardigan and those with no cardigans is more muted using a different ranking for research. But in both cases, women with at least two cardigans perform the best.).

It’s important to point out that the authors are examining a very wide group of women with under-privileged circumstances. A more satisfying job was probably the aspiration of many, with benefits such as the freedom to wear more fashionable clothes, and participate in highly skewed and biased research based on self-selection methodologies. They could probably afford better quality cardigans therefore requiring less layers. Privileged workers often face a warmer working environment.

Even so, the results feel counterintuitive for any cardigan-wearing woman (re: all of them) who has drowned herself in layers to fight off the cold she can’t get rid of because she can’t afford a visit to her GP. Or struggled to pay attention to another dissatisfied customer barking orders whilst drunk. Or snuck out for a fag.

Having cardigans that don’t close do take a toll on work. The paper found that there is a 0.5 to 0.75 per cent drop in productivity among women with non-closing cardigans. For those with warmer, button-up cardigans, there will be a 1.0 per cent drop in productivity after the first three hours of a work shift, having a second cardigan reduces that to .05 per cent and a third cardigan will restore productivity to full capacity.

A less productive woman in the labour force

In other words, not wearing three cardigans will result in a negligible loss in productivity on average, the equivalent of one less customer service call taken in any single shift.

But as any shift worker knows, the days are long and the alphabet has 26 letters. You may have read about it elsewhere. Cardigan-wearing women tend to go to work just like non-cardigan wearing women. When that work is smoothed out over the course of a career, they are likely to be as diverse a group as any other with corresponding levels of productivity. The report neglected to find this other statement of the bloody obvious.

But does this really matter? The takeaway here is that a sensationalist headline can be generated from an impressively sounding piece of research buoyed up by self-selection and a host of other biases. And the purported winners can wear it with pride.

The future’s so bright

Regular unwilling listeners to my whinges will know the acute side-effects I suffer from playgrounds. Before having our one, my previous association with them was during my early-teen Linden Village phase when the local excuse for a playground transformed into an exotic cider garden on Friday nights. And occasionally a canvas for my mate to piss out the symbol of The Jesus and Mary Chain.

These days, the shuffle towards our ‘youth centre’ has been replaced by the dreaded dragging of feet towards the newly opened all swinging, all prancing about affair. Ten minutes in, I will be struck by at least two, if not all, of the following dilemmas:

  1. If two middle-sized children are beating the shite out of each other while their parents are sat looking at them from their car in the car-park, is the adult closest them obliged to adhere to some universal playground child protection policy and intervene OR just pretend they’re not there OR address the issue in polite/passive aggression terms through you own child? “The lovely boys will stop fighting now and let you have your turn”
  2. How long is it reasonable to wait for a turn on the swing/slide before it’s OK to start shuffling your feet around to indicate mild expectation that they’ll be ‘right with us’, so to speak? When can you start throwing filthy looks? And is it ever OK to address them passive-aggressively through your child by talking about the importance of sharing and/or praising the shit out of her for patiently waiting? Relax, these are all at a fantasy stage. For now.
  3. Are parents duty bound to smile inanely at other parents, and strike up a conversation while their respective children get competitive on the trampoline?
  4. Stair-hogging on little slide/castle combos. Should I explain our one is doing an imaginary shit and will be finished up shortly? I made that up. She doesn’t do imaginary shits on stairs. But she did do one in on the kitchen floor the other week. Yes, an imaginary one. After an imaginary ice-cream.

One thing that can be said in the sun’s favour is the permission it gives everyone to hide behind massive shades that devour one’s face in the manner of Jackie O. After she seriously let herself go. More a lifesaver than an accessory. Being incognito from the neck up gives one sufficient time to dive out of the way on clocking someone who gives one a dose of piles from their capacity to make small-talk out of small-talk.

jackie

“Oh God, there’s Bobby’s wife”

Shades as a coping mechanism for playgrounds was going so well, I’d enthusiastically taken to keeping them on when it was cloudy. I also wore them on occasional mornings during work as a way of blocking out my colleagues, and was not averse to cooking dinner with them.

But alas the low point came when another parent enquired if I was feeling OK as a nod to me wearing them. In November.

He may talk some shite, but I have to give Bono his dues for keeping them on come hail or high avoidable tax bill.

I wish I was as courageous as him.

There’s a perfectly normal English sentence.

The Tunnel

tunnel

For five years I have been a reluctant resident of a Northern Irish town having made the ultimate sacrifice as a drifter by settling down in the birthplace of my fella. Since shoving his clothes over the far side of the wardrobe rail to make way for mine, I have endured a trying-to-like/hate relationship with it. Hating it for seeming to forever occupy a suffocating small-town mindset; trying to like it for not pretending to be somewhere it’s not, the likelihood of it remaining my permanent home, and some locals whom I have grown immensely fond.

My husband was reared on the curve of a side street on the periphery of the commercial heart of the town during the late ’70s and ’80s. He was relatively shielded from The Troubles by regular trips to his Granny’s in the countryside, teenage indifference, the shrill soundtrack of a clatter of sisters, and corresponding hypnosis from playing and dreaming about football. He’s not a very reliable narrator of local history.

In my job, I work alongside people he half-knows that he half-thinks lost family or served time. Some of these individuals are currently engaged in community efforts to have a pedestrian underpass on the far side of town closed up. It has become a magnet for young people who have few places to go except through a short cut towards risky behaviours a shadowy underpass allows. They will likely be displaced to somewhere new once the project is complete. Moving the problem along rather than dealing with it head-on. An Irish response to a Northern Irish problem.

Amid hand-wringing discussions, I have barely been able to snatch an insight to the site’s history. The odd throw-away comment and knowing laughs from a few of its now balding graduates was enough to suggest there is more to this underpass than discarded beer cans, abandoned young people, and foul smells. Inquiries are met with scarcely more than tight-lipped stares into the middle distance, and a nod to it being in the past. As if the past is a viewable monument just out of sight.

So earlier today, I Googled a locally revered surname in certain circles and my eyes fell on another that leapt out from the search: A local boy turned Guardian writer who, in an article from 2002, deviates from his usual topics (music, culture) to take the reader on a walk through his old neighbourhood.“Below it [the school] is a place known locally as ‘the tunnel’, where a pedestrian underpass runs beneath the road. Thirty years ago, the tunnel was the epicentre of most of the rioting locally at the beginning of what came to be known as The Troubles.”

He reminisces about his own tenure in the underpass. “I spent many a Saturday in the early 70s at the tunnel, throwing stones and bottles at the RUC and British Army patrols that regularly skirted the housing estates, playing cat-and-mouse with the snatch squads who hit the ground running from the backs of Saracens and Land Rovers. (Surreally, everyone would go home for dinner at one o’clock – no one called it lunch in Northern Ireland – and regroup at two, to start the ritual all over again.)”

The unremarkable site’s silenced history kept tumbling out. “The tunnel is where I helped hijack a coal truck, and watched enthralled as older lads set it on fire with petrol bombs. It is where a lorry carrying Dr Martens boots was commandeered, making us probably the best-shod rioters in the long, volatile history of Northern Irish insurrection. It is where I first tasted the blinding, gagging sting of CS gas, and where I was hit on the elbow – right on the funny bone – by a rubber bullet. It is, in short, where I had a lot of wild fun as a regular teenager in an irregular time. It is a place loaded with good memories.”

And, inevitably, with some very bad ones. In the weeks following Bloody Sunday in January 1972, trouble in The Tunnel, as elsewhere, intensified. “What once had been fun was suddenly fraught with very real danger. Like most of my friends, though, I was addicted to that danger. That same week, on the morning of Saturday 5 February, a bread van belonging to Irvine’s bakery was hijacked at the tunnel. On the way back from town with her shopping, my mother bumped into the distraught bread man. A lorry carrying bales of hay was also attacked. It sped through the crowd, flames leaping high into the air.”

“In the housing estate where I lived, a small family drama was simultaneously under way. My younger cousin, Dessie, who lived on the other side of town, had been drawn into the area by rumours of blazing lorries and bread vans. (He has since, incidentally, become a fireman.) In the afternoon, my father, sensing that more trouble was imminent, instructed me and my brother to remain in and around our house, while he set off to take my cousin out of the estates and into the relative safety of the town centre. Within minutes, they had literally walked into trouble.”

“On the ring road, a small gang of youths, impatient for an afternoon riot, had broken away from the crowd gathered at the tunnel area and headed for the turn-off [to the local church]. There, they attempted to hijack an Ulsterbus carrying passengers to a nearby town. In the confusion that followed, a Molotov cocktail was thrown through a smashed window. It exploded in the lap of a woman passenger.”

“My father and my cousin saw the crowd, mainly young teenagers, force the bus down on to the slip road; saw someone heave a large pole thought the front window; saw flames leap up inside the bus and frightened passengers leap from the emergency door. Alongside two other local men, my father boarded the smoke-filled bus and helped the driver carry the injured woman off. They waved down a passing car which took her to the city hospital. In the hazy, frantic moments between running on to the burning bus and laying the woman – unconscious, her hair razed, her dress and nylons melted into her skin – gently down on the roadside, the crowd evaporated. For years afterwards, my father would wake in the night, convinced he could smell burning nylon and flesh.”

The woman survived for seven weeks and two days before she died. She was 38 years of age and a cherished housekeeper for a prominent Protestant family in the town. The 323rd victim of The Troubles.

Haunted by these events, the writer made a visit to the woman’s family home thirty years later. He was greeted by the woman’s sister who talked about that day as it unfolded and her sister’s employer coming to the house to break the news of the incident.

Flicking through old photographs, he noted many of those teenagers he rioted with, kicked a ball about with, sat next to in school… are all gone. All young victims of The Quaint Euphemism. Included in this group is the man with the surname I Googled that brought me to O’Hagan’s article. I no longer half-know the facts.

Pausing on the ring-road that leads to the Tunnel, our tour guide remarked “Everything has changed in the interim, but everything looks just the same. A photographer is trying to capture the sweep of the road and, in the foreground, a lamppost painted green, white and orange. As if on cue, an Ulsterbus trundles by. My head is flooded with memories; vague images from another time, not that long ago, that now seems unreal, almost unfathomable.”

Twelve years on from the writer’s pilgrimage home, and his tour of the town’s soul, it all still looks the same. That generation of disenchanted teenagers has been replaced twice over. But some things have changed. The widow of the murdered aforementioned murdered woman’s employer, who made the journey to her family to break the news, is now a prominent local Unionist politician. The brother of one of the teenagers in the grainy photo, shot down in his prime by security forces, is a community activist in his Nationalist community. Today they sit alongside one another on the working group to close the Tunnel.

And in learning the sad legacy of its history, I feel a little less hard-hearted towards the place I’ve come to sometimes accidentally call home.