A poem for Ireland

My Beloved Compares Herself to a Pint of Stout

When in the heat of the first night of summer

I observe with a whistle of envy

That Jackson has driven out the road for a pint of stout,

She puts her arm around my waist and scolds me:

Am I not your pint of stout? Drink me.

There is nothing except, of course, self-pity

To stop you also having your pint of stout.

Putting self-pity on a leash in the back of the car,

I drive out the road, do a U-turn,

Drive in the hall door, up the spiral staircase,

Into her bedroom. I park at the foot of her bed,

Nonchalantly step out leaving the car unlocked,

Stroll over to the chest of drawers, lean on it,

Circumspectly inspect the backs of my hands,

Modestly request from her a pint of stout.

She turns her back, undresses, pours herself into bed,

Adjusts the pillows, slaps her hand on the coverlet:

Here I am – at the very least

Look at my new cotton nightdress before you shred it

And do not complain that I have not got a head on me.

I look around to see her foaming out of the bedclothes

Not laughing but gazing at me out of four-legged eyes.

She says: Close your eyes, put your hands around me.

I am the blackest, coldest pint you will ever drink,

So sip me slowly, let me linger on your lips,

Ooze through your teeth, dawdle down your throat,

Before swooping down into your guts.

While you drink me I will deposit my scum

On your rim and when you get to the bottom of me,

No matter how hard you try to drink my dregs –

And being a man, you will, no harm in that –

I will keep bubbling up back at you.

For there is no escaping my aftermath.

Tonight – being the first night of summer –

You may drink as many pints of me as you like.

There are barrels of me in the taproom.

In thin daylight at nightfall,

You will fall asleep drunk on love.

When you wake early in the early morning

You will have a hangover,

All chaste, astringent, aflame with affirmation,

Straining at the bit to get to first mass

And holy communion and work – the good life.

Paul Durcan

Discussions that don’t matter shit to working class women in Ireland today

1. Gender quotas

Be it on to state boards or corporate boards. Elevating white, educated, relatively privileged women to positions of power and influence isn’t really going to have much of a revolutionary impact. Unless the reasons for the current imbalance includes a sober squaring up to reasons for the lack of diversity in the level below i.e. equality in the broadest sense.

2. The dilemma of hanging on to a ‘career’ after having children

The prevailing narrative is concerned with the assumed entitlement to hang on to a career, with the ever-so-subtle understanding that it is more important, worthy work; therefore a no-brainer. Buoyed up on a third level education and therefore invested with more meaning, the safeguarding of one’s career is a priority. Threats to this include the risk of “having to undertake low-skilled work” and the understanding that these women shouldn’t have to do this. Presumably this is for other women to undertake instead, without any of their fanciful notions of pursuing their personal aspirations for improvement or access to the high table of success considered a right or a fight in the mix.

3. The consensus on the apparent elimination of discrimination, misogyny or sexism in the workplace or society

White middle class workplaces tend to have a considerably lower tolerance for that these days. They also have more effective recourse to action and protection, if it does arise. Just because other white middle class women don’t experience it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Some of my friends’ friends are black and working class. Ghastly. More rioja?

4. The right to funded childcare services for the purposes of returning to employment only 

Creche care and childminding support is also an integral component in the support apparatus women depend on to return to education to enable them broaden their employment and well-being prospects. And maybe one day attend that conference on gender quotas. That’s without due consideration to the incompatibility of current provision with the haphazard unsociable hours within the services industry that many have no choice but to work in.

5. The revolutionary impact of social media

When it is predominantly concerned with narrow discussions around points 1 – 4, and a platform for selective research findings that support the portrayal of white middle class mothers as the most put-upon group of women in Ireland , it’s hardly surprising.

Mná na hÉireann: Súil eile

turf cutting

Pinkpanther

50 year old woman from Dublin. Hi. Looking for love. Isn’t everyone. I would like to meet that special woman. between 40 to 55 years old in the dublin area ireland and that the lady is a nondrinker also . not interested in women who drinks. Females only.

Rafe58

Hi I am honest, genuine, caring, very easy going with good sense of humour. I like to socialize but I also like nights in, I am comfortable with who I am and like my own company at times.I would like to meet someone who is somewhat like me.I like a woman to look like a woman so no butch please. (I am Gay no men, I wont respond and you will be blocked)

Tall Protestant Lady

Likes things nice with a lot of TLC WLTM same type Gentleman. Lady likes man to be 5’10 – 6ft, 63 – 68, NS, no ties.

Reserved Lady

Kind and respectable, 63 years. Would like to meet gentleman with similar qualities for long-term friendship.

Widow, no ties

No ties retired professional. Age 73, 5 ft tall. Slim and attractive. Good sense of humour. Would like to meet an attractive, nice gentleman for outings, foreign holidays etc. Likes theatre, cinema, music, meals out and in and walks along the beach.

Christian Lady

Overweight, sincere. WLTM Christian gentleman aged 53 and over for love and marriage.

Hey there

49 year old female looking for a male aged 40 – 50. I’m a country girl at heart, and I live in a little house at the edge of a deep, dark wood. There’s nothing wrong with the city for a visit, but I wouldn’t like to live there. I like good books, good movies, good conversation – I enjoy the odd meal or night out, but my pubbing and clubbing days are well behind me. Marital status: separated. Education:degree. Children: 3.

Alexil

Professional woman, loves to laugh, black sense of humour. Enjoys good conversation, good company, and the simple things in life. Age: 45. Marital status: divorced. Children: 2

Marbrid02

69 year old female looking for a male aged 50 – 75. I’m an energetic, happy, good-humoured single female who would like to meet “youthful” male of similar disposition and qualities. Life is good but would be better if shared with someone who likes to travel, walk, dance, holiday at home and abroad, who enjoys the theatre and all the finer and lighter things in life. Marital status: never married. Children: none.

Aroma

52 year old female looking for a male aged 47 – 54. I am a loving, trustworthy woman. I am looking for a man with a decent sense of life. Key words: chatting, music, reading, cooking, eating out. Marital status: separated. Occupation: retired.

Samantha, 54

Been without a steady man in my life for several months. Not looking anything serious, just a bit of fun and naughtiness. Not interested in anyone who is in a relationship, as have strong feelings about cheats. So if you are unattached and up for a good time, get in touch. Discreet relationships and One night stands. Interests: Dogging, Oral – receiving, Oral – giving, Anal, Role Playing and Voyeurism.

Joanne, 52

I would like to meet non smoking men between the ages of 36 and 45 You must have a full head of dark hair that means no baldies/crew cuts/shaved heads or greying/receding/white or red haired men. You must also have no facial hair. What I really want to meet is Tall (I won’t meet anybody below 5ft 7 and won’t go above 6’1) dark and handsome with a nice slim body. You must enjoy being with the older female and accept that I have to like what I see when you send me a picture. YOU MUST send me a RECENT face picture if you respond to my profile. One other thing men covered in tattoos do nothing for me (sorry guys) a few discreet tattoos are fine. I am also not into guys with one or two or any piercings at all. I will not just shag you because you sent me a few emails and a RECENT picture. I like to take my time to get to know you first using the likes of Skype messenger, if the chemistry is not there then sorry we won’t ever be meeting. I am not interested in guys from Scotland.

Frances, 49

Dont really know what to write on here but hey here goes, normal kinda woman from belfast, im single and thought id give it a go on here, im looking to have some fun, but nothing serious im not into long term relationships at all, far to messy for me, i like my life the way it is. xx

Sources: All genuine adverts posted by Irish women in the following: Spark, Belfast Telegraph, Marital Affair, Mingle, Dating4u

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

“Guess who’s taking over Derek Mooney’s Show?”, asked my fella in that tone that suggested he had one up on me. It’s a low point for couple competitiveness, but we work with the material we’re given and the potential opportunity to be right, so I dived right in with a few guesses.

For the uninitiated, Derek Mooney is a broadcaster with Irish state radio. RTÉ Radio One predates some of the earliest recorded fossils along with some of its presenters. Most people under 35 (ish) would claim it caters for the needs of an aging demographic with its mix of current affairs, endless sports programmes, the quasi sacrament of the confessional with Father Joe Duffy and the Phone-in Parishioners of Doom, and its strict observance of the Angelus.

Those over 35 (ish) strain to avoid confessing their creeping devotion to it, which usually begins with overhearing a feature on the scandalous cost of turning middle age in Ireland, and other scaremongering punctuated by a doable dinner recipe proffered by the inoffensive Neven Maguire. This is designed to take the sting out of the revelation that they’ll be working right up retirement at 91. These can be heard on The Marian Finucane Show on Saturday mornings, a gateway drug to hardcore Class As (Liveline, Sunday Morning Miscellany), accidentally discovered by folk with an aversion to music before noon. Particularly those who cannot risk being left alone with only their hungover thoughts for company. Everyone just comes clean about listening to it by the time they hit 40 when “this week’s Marian” graduates to a regular item on their conversation agenda.

Derek Mooney anchors that awkward week-day mid-afternoon slot that covers those ‘human interest’ stories such as that secret cult of farmers in Carlow who knit their own bale covers, with the odd performance from an obscure singer popular on the cruise ship cabaret circuit. So, naturally, my first guess was… Marty Whelan? Nope. Marty Morrissey? No. Michael Flatley? No (the show’s producers now kicking themselves on reading this) Mary Kennedy? An arched brow. Kathryn Thomas? He shook his head sideways. Ten minutes and a run through the catalogue of C-list celebs later I surrender to his superior knack of getting to the breaking entertainment stories first.

flatley

Michael Flatley to present new RTÉ radio show ‘Putting my foot in it’

“Ray D’arcy.”

According to the downpour of comments from those ever-eager keyboard warriors following the announcement, Ray D’arcy is one or all of the following:

Smug/whiney/negative/gobshite/up himself/past it/hypocritical/a fanatical atheist/lactose intolerant (OK I made that up, just trying to upgrade it to insult)/greedy/Ray Arsey/health evangelist etc. etc.

Apparently, the man had the temerity to present a three-hour week-day morning show on rival station, Today FM, with his own opinions and views. The cheek of him. In Ireland, having your own opinion is one thing to be sneered at for, but expressing it is akin to demanding the Nation to wonder aloud who do you think you are? Well?

To me, and the 200 odd thousand listeners that tuned in, he was the other half of a hilarious two-hander with his producer, Will Hanafin, the wittiest man in Ireland with his droll one-liners that would crack me up and out of the foulest of moods. Before that, D’arcy was childminder of the Nation as a children’s TV presenter and punchbag for Zig and Zag. It would seem that nostalgia is his only saving grace.

For a long time, himself and Will were one half of the quartet made up of Jenny Kelly and Mairead Farrell, another pair who came in for forensic scrutiny over the years. A late Jenny convert, I was disappointed when she left back in June. The subsequent departure of Farrell heralded the death-knell on the show’s dynamic that was going to be impossible to sustain. So in a way, it came as no surprise that he, and all his opinions, is making the move.

Much lamenting and fond farewells can be found among the barbed comments. For many, his show was a connection to a world temporarily abandoned and altered forever by maternity leave. The hi-jinx providing the background din to another monotonous day at work. Company for those marooned at home. A link to the homeland via the web. A platform for listeners to have their say on the nation’s talking points during this Country’s many serious days.

I type this in silence, unable to tune in to an alternative. Pat Kenny? The priesthood must be missing an angel. Sean O’Rourke? Dole inspector meets accountancy lecturer. Ryan Tubridy? The aural equivalent of a v-neck jumper.

Say what you like about Ray D’arcy, but I’d wager you never heard any of the aforementioned unapologetically calling the Church to task for its hypocrisy. Or inviting you to look around your colleagues, friends, and family and square up to the likelihood of at least one of them having had an abortion while we all talk about them like they’re not in the room. Or talk casually about his own atheism as an accepted norm in Irish society.

Whatever else he was on his show, he was also a feminist. We still badly need them in Irish broadcasting, so let’s hope whoever fills his independent broadcasting shoes will retain some of his values, if not his running evangelism that even had me running shuffling over to switch the dial on occasion.

Stowin’ away the time

We went on holidays last week.  We’re very this season that way. Self-catering in a holiday house by the sea. By self-catering, I mean dining out every night; by holiday house, I mean an early introduction to retirement-home living where the furniture is designed more with orthopaedic support in mind than extravagant lounging. All right-angled austerity with Mary Kennedy appearing as her disturbingly inoffensive self on every available television channel.

I took one look around and made a mental inventory of the various irritations I was determined to complain about (lack of WiFi, filth on the curtains, lack of WiFi, dirty bathroom, lack of WiFi). No free shower caps, mini shampoos, or sewing kits to gleefully stash, so I had to fill the instant gratification vacuum somehow. I may have deployed that term so beloved of wimps  (“mark my words”), which had deflated to a crumpled up shadow of its former self by the week’s end. I waved goodbye to the owner in manner of lowly lickarse to departing dignitary on pulling out.

I mistakenly typed “pulling off” there initially. That’d be the sleep deprivation from the ward bed talking, and the snoring from my brother who we invited along for a few nights and had us re-negotiating our marriage vows at 4am. I returned embarrassingly overdrawn on my husband’s flexibility. I’m still doing the pitiful forgive-me face; often confused with the equally pitiful I’m-a-fucking-idiot face. Sure, you’ll have that.

Bleary-eyed and idle, I mooched around till the beachside café coolly flip-flopped its way into the breach with free WiFi, forcing me to abandon my habit of  avoiding surfer hipster types (not indigenous to where I live), and the news black-out I was banking on and bragging about before we left.

The grimness cascaded down daily. Caesarean Section at 26 weeks. James Foley. Suspected Ebola Case. Pat Kenny set to return to our TV Screen. Cliff Richard fans vow to get their man back in the charts. Where will it end? Morph reveals dark world of Tony Hart?

One of the other thousands of ways I like to test the limits of my husband’s patience is to engage him in a game of guess the potential song the producers of Reelin’ In the Years will marry with a moment from the here and now. The soundtrack must be released from the featured year and fit the footage.

‘Mr. Sun, Sun, Mister Golden Sun’ was automatically disqualified for failing to meet the first part of those criteria.  I made a unilateral decision and settled on visualising scenes of the follow-up protests of women on loudspeakers segueing into follow-up news clips of politicians clogging the silence with cowardice and back again to the strains of Seasons by Future Islands.

Seasons change, and I tried hard just to soften you
The seasons change, but I’ve grown tired of tryin’ to change for you
Because I’ve been waiting on you
I’ve been waiting on you
Because I’ve been waiting on you
I’ve been waiting on you

As it breaks, the summer awaits
But the winter washed what’s left of the taste
As it breaks, the summer awaits
But the winter craved what’s lost
Crave what’s all gone away

People change, even though some people never do
You know when people change
They gain a piece but they lose one too
Because I’ve been hanging on you
I’ve been waiting on you
Because I’ve been waiting on you
I’ve been hanging on you

As it breaks, the summer awaits
But the winter washed what’s left of the taste
As it breaks, the summer awaits
But the winter craved what’s lost
Crave what’s all
Crave what’s all gone away
‘Cause I’ve been waiting on you

All other suggestions welcome.

Top 5 ways The Rose of Tralee competition is like Irish abortion laws

1. The women are forced to go through a rigorous process of scrutiny before presenting for adjudication in front of an expert panel

2. The two-dimensional portrayal of women as a homogenous group devoid of all complexities in a bid to uphold the official pageantry

3. There’s usually an irrepressible man dressed in black and white dominating the airwaves with displays of parochial idiocy

4. Frequent cries about the need to “protect our values and our culture” , and the incurable propensity towards propping up long-expired representations of the past

5. It doesn’t exist anywhere else in the world

Birgitte Nyborg v Lucinda Creighton

Clare. Just like I pictured it; skyscrapers and everything. Well, a supremely cool lighthouse in Loop Head, anyway. And, Gee, those Cliffs of Mo-hair sure are awesome. The place will always have a piece of my average-sized heart. And possibly some disturbing reverb from my occasional roars at Lucinda Creighton on the box.

Our visit last year coincided with the sleep-deprived government debates on the implementation of Ireland’s Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill. Based on the 1992 Supreme Court Ruling, it allows for limited rights to abortion on the grounds of the threat to the life of the woman, and the threat of suicide by the woman.

After months of protracted hearings and debate, and days of will she or won’t she, the Bill was finally passed and Lucinda was shown the door from her parliamentary party. The one she took great care to remind us, repeatedly, she was forced to prise open and slam shut with the might of her own unrivalled courage and conviction.

Two developments collided on the venn diagram of public opinion to produce her magical beatification.

Firstly, Creighton was upfront and unequivocal in her opposition to provision for the threat of suicide.  A high profile junior minister challenging party directive. Her beliefs aired in adherence with the availability of free speech. But by the time the vote came round, Creighton was not the last opponent standing. Six of her colleagues were expelled from Fine Gael following their defiance of party policy by voting against it.

Secondly, the media, having cynically played Creighton’s resoluteness off against similar concerns from her female colleagues, soon forgot the other 24 Dáil members who voted against the Bill. Focus rapidly zoomed in on Michelle Mulherin’s U-turn as evidence of a lack of sufficient moral conviction and selfish careerist motives. In turn, the weight of Lucinda’s unyielding convictions won her the higher moral ground.

With the exception of Vincent Browne, this narrative appeared to go unchallenged by the mainstream media. Over the following days, Lucinda’s bravery frontloaded the headlines. By this stage, it was Lucinda who was providing most of the commentary from what appeared to be a temporary altar built on the shoulders of cameramen and microphones. A new secular saint was born.

Danish TV drama is not a clinically approved petri-dish for lab analysis of Irish politics, but like much of popular culture, it has its usefulness in showing us something about how the world works. Watching Borgen over the year since these queasy events has helped shaped a few questions that were achingly absent during the carnival.

Birgitte Nyborg is the impossibly charismatic leader of The Moderates, a centre-left party occupying the ruling seat in the governing coalition. As PM of Denmark, Nyborg presides over the usual dilemmas pertaining to a range of domestic (welfare reform, criminal justice, immigration) and international (rendition flights, international trade, war and humanitarian intervention) affairs. Negotiating policy is based on skilfully balancing trade-offs between those ideologies among her coalition partners and opposition, with the best possible outcome for the common good of the Country and its citizens. Or pragmatism, in short. Backed up by commendable communication skills. It is classically Danish in its centrist liberal leanings. To illustrate the complexity of fixed morals in the political bear pit of government, Nyborg emerges as an exemplar of a centrist idealist forced to surrender to seemingly unpalatable compromises.

Negative public opinion against her intensifies the longer she fails to bow to internal pressure to upgrade spend on military hardware in the wake of Danish peacekeeping casualties in Iraq. She caves in. Proposed early retirement age leaps up and down as the policy pieces are moved around the chess board. They settle on a half-way year. Business oligarchs are courted and double-bluffed. Everyone’s a winner. The cracks in capitalism are assumed, but the purest form of liberal policies prove an ineffective panacea alone.

More than once, Nyborg is accused of undermining her party’s ideals and the lines between political necessity and retention of power at all costs become blurred. Are the risks she takes to pitch for the role of mediator between two warring African countries indicative of the vanity and glory-seeking many accuse her of, or her fundamental humanitarian impulses she cannot ethically ignore? Probably both.

Was Michelle Mulherin’s U-turn a case of outright redundancy protection, a simple case of toeing the party-line, or surrendering to the will of the people?

Was Lucinda’s steely reserve in the face of party discipline purely a case of moral conviction at a heavy price, a self-serving move that elevated her public profile, or an exercise in placing personal conviction above consensus and the will of the electorate?

We’ll never really know. Partly because the prevailing responses to these questions came only from Lucinda.

Fine Gael was upfront in its coalition deal with its governing partners. The Bill was to be passed. It was informed by a Court ruling mandated by the electorate in a referendum 20 years previously. Time for a cabinet to do its work for the common good long built on electoral consensus. A no-brainer. The issue of conscience a moot point.  As Vincent Browne emphatically pointed throughout – abortion is already available to Irish women if they have sufficient means, and an acceptable form of identification for Ryanair, to have one. Nyborg would credit the electorate and her cabinet with more cop than wilful border blindness and hypocrisy.

At no point during the media spectacle was Lucinda asked to consider the worth of the moral convictions of those who voted as a matter of conscience. Those ‘brave’ Dáil members who used their conscience as an instrument to balance personal and party ideologies with the best possible outcome for the country and its citizens. Pragmatism, in short. The stuff that progressive modern democratic politics is based on. Not parish pump politics in which progress is stifled or buoyed up by the mettle of individuals rarely tested. Nyborg hails from a tradition of the former; Ireland is built on the latter. The implementation of the Bill presented a break-away moment when fresh realities bubbling below the surface for two decades would finally flower. When notions of bravery and conviction would be re-defined.

As an individual who felt stifled by her party directive, Creighton was free to declare her position, bare her fangs, and bow out. As an accidental arbiter on standards of political conscientiousness, it was a role she cheerfully grabbed from a willing media. Nyborg would not have been arrogant enough to accept such a misplaced honour.

That any of these women share similar genitalia should be neither here nor there, but stories of halos and villains in battles involving wombs are always easier to write when women are the chief protagonists. As politicians, all of them, like their colleagues, and the parties to which they belong, are weak to overtures from compromise, party leaders, personal gain, and the will of the people.

Would the woman with the most courage of her moral convictions please stand up?

You can all sit down now.

Own goal

It’s that time of year again. The annual pilgrimage to the sold-out Springsteen shows. Relax. It’s just the sun giving me jip and having me mix up my religious rituals as the summers fade into one another. I mean graveyard mass, of course. Then there’s the monster raving Ulsterman cracking open the apoplexy, as is tradition. Or Joe Brolly, for short. Bruce and Joe. Imagine them trading birth places, if you will. Joey and Wee Brucie.

Not a porch door for any of Brucie’s average-looking women to slam. Maybe a broken lift to curse, or the person who was born in a hospital with swinging doors who left one wide open. Meanwhile, Joey’s giving it Red Sox knocking himself out commentating on the baseball league with Patty Spillane. Awesome.

There’s really not a whole lot that separates these two men from their traded places in terms of the people that inspire and drive them. It’s just that Jersey skylines go better with the universal theme of disenchantment and broken blue collar dreams than Tesco car-parks and doughnut tracks from twin-cams. Baseball is the unifying game that helps them forget about life for a while. Sort of like The GAA. Or the Grab All Association. Or the what’s-the-point and the anachronistic eye-rolls scornfully mocking the parochial game. Or its failure to compare with the beautiful game. Delete as you see appropriate.

It’s that time of year again. When the city/rural divisions rear their jerseys online, and the self-regarding antipathy breaks out on messageboards like a prickly heat rash. I’m no devotee, or apologist for The GAA. No sport has claimed to be the panacea for all societal ills, except maybe democracy. But it takes a certain blinkered snobbery to wilfully ignore the unifying power the GAA has in carrying communities through good and bad.

One of the more heartening developments in recent years has been the emergence of rugby as a more reachable sport for all the nation. Men and women getting stuck in on the great debate throughout the country (“O’Gara’s better looking” “No BO’D is”).

Plenty of sporting enthusiasts love both, some play both. Even so, it’s past time the minority of whingers paused the eyeroll and threw out the stale sweat smelling questions on the point of it all. Go listen to Badlands. It’s about living in Leitrim. Except it’s not, but it is. And Carlow. And Donegal. And Armagh. And Louth. And Tipperary. And even Dublin. Where the game breathes energy into connections between folk, and helps them forget about life for a while.

Cherish all the wombs equally

They crossed the threshold of their bodies
To dictate the progress of their pregnancies
Wombs from good stock, respectable wombs
Unredeemable wombs, children’s wombs
Wombs that gave birth to children born outside of dignity
The dignity of life reserved for life inside the wombs
Wombs from well-to-dos, do-what-you-want-with-them wombs
Fallen wombs, wombs from impoverished backgrounds
Against the background of dignified silence and shame
Shame on them all
All of us