Bottoms up

I’ll say this for the office party: it’s great for bringing out the year’s pent-up frustration and hostility. I spent mine suffering altered-state-of-mind envy as I mentally paced the side-line of wanton inebriation. Being the getaway driver will do that to you. Not that it prevented a steady decline into incoherence. My final act of conscientious efficiency was to bite my lip at the more preposterous remarks for as long as possible before joining in with an endless supply of my own. Just another regular work meeting then; with added flashing earrings and paper crowns in various undignified states of lop-sidedness. Neither of which lent credibility to the litany of Any Other Items folk were determined to swashbuckle their knives over.

If Doreen thought I was blithely playing a game of hypocrisy by giving our daughter her Da’s surname while keeping my own, then she should’ve known better than to start eating before everyone was served. She just undermined her own argument, even if the soup was gloopy. Yes, two can play at applying arbitrary levels of judgement and respectability. Or six women who rarely meet outside the meeting room, in this case, leaving a gender imbalance to be excessively polite to the waiting staff. It should’ve been an all-sorts of 15 but various car-part fatalities, emergency excursions to the lobotomist, and mysterious illnesses, intervened at the last minute to reduce numbers. The lucky fuckers.

Every cloud has a few glasses of wine going spare, so by the time dessert came round Nora and Doreen had substituted one of the crackers with The Church. One of those crackers too cheap to be pulled it had to be tug o’ war’ed with for ten minutes before both sides surrendered; each vowing to agree to disagree before disagreeing with themselves and resurrecting it again.

Bonhomie recovery was swift once Denise found some mutual colleagues to bitch about. By the time Shakin’ Stevens had done his third encore, the talk had entered the ostensibly safe realm of children. Doreen’s crown was nailed to the floor with her own heel so I was certain Nora was going to offer hers on hearing she had six children no less. Nora thought she was doing well with five. Neither would change a thing. All they knew was they wanted more than one. Denise beamed congratulations at them both as she traded overlaps with her own three. And I smiled, willing one of them to embarrassingly start stacking plates just so I could even up the score.

Ordinary people

Gearoid was already sitting at the table. He must’ve slipped in while the kettle was declaring its readiness. Upright, armed with an A4 folder, he assumes the role of dispenser of closed questions that preempt all answers. A conversational tic that keeps the mood light and away from awkward cul-de-sacs until he gets to the roundabout of discussion. This evening being no different.

“You’re needing a holiday by the looks of ya. You’ll be glad to get it”.

Couldn’t argue with that.

Daithi followed, pebbled dashed in freckles he’d picked up on a knock-down price holiday to Turkey. He and the family stayed within expertise-assuming distance of an ISIS controlled peninsula where it wouldn’t be unusual to see a few Kalashnikovs touted above heads of youngsters with little idea what they’re using them for. Everyone laughed the laugh that’s casual shorthand between folk reared within a square mile of where they sit on the first Wednesday of enough months for them to have added and shed layers of coats beneath signs bearing LOLs of a different meaning to the modern day, and modern-day thinkers executed back in the last century. He went on to explain the geographical nuances of the region, oozing the ease, softer enunciation and ten-year-younger glow of a man who had the luck to be able to brandish a pen above his head in lecture halls. Feeling it heavier at times than the weapons held by his neighbours round the table. He wasn’t altogether sure what he was aiming his pen at. Wisdom can’t be learned, it can only be lived. And even then…

Gary and Carole dismissed the offer of tea with a synchronised stretch of their palms as they apologised for being late. That traffic’s a killer. The Council is useless. Public services are a joke round here. So many ordinary people of the North so often talk about how they have more that unites than separates them. The everyday exchanges between these chequered folk prove it but they rarely matter to anyone unconcerned with everyday matters round here.

A quick re-cap then straight to the critical question: How did you get on since? One of those catch-all questions equally applicable to the mundane and the malevolent. An open question that works at the speed of an answer that can’t be preempted. With everyday matters, one can never be sure.

Carole broke off the nap her chin was enjoying on her thumbs. Concentrating on wiping away invisible crumbs from the table, she felt confident her people would have no problem working together with everyone else’s people. She only had time to speak to half of hers, and the half she spoke to couldn’t envisage any arguments against it from the other half.

“There’s nothing to lose at this stage”, she wistfully shrugged working the last stubborn non-stain.

How did everyone else get on?

“If it means us all having a chance at getting the money, then we’d have no problem with it either”. A more tempered show of enthusiasm from an unsubtle Gearoid; softening his own bluntness with a follow-up insistence that it makes sense, before proceeding to expose the delicacy of common sense by insisting everyone was dancing round it.

Daithi kept his head down throughout the exchange in earnest contemplation. His affirmative nod was out before his words. All this single identity work, he bellowed. How many more years of it can they really get out of it? If each community hasn’t managed to get on with itself by now then it’s never going to happen. And the arrogance of us to think we’re the only two communities out there. There’s more than us! His hands raised aloft in lieu of a Chrissake he hadn’t the stomach to add. Either way, his people had no problem. Buiochas le Dia, he thought to himself. Probably.

Shuffling awkwardly in her seat, Carole wondered aloud about that other crowd.

“What about them?”, arch-eye-browed Gearoid in rhetorical unease hoping everyone would quickly move on from Carole’s political first cousins, so to speak.

Layers of imaginary dust were wiped from the table before everyone conceded the need to bring them on board; to give them the opportunity to prove everybody right by giving them first flat refusal to sign up. Besides, what’s a few years of cold shoulders between groups essentially united under the one Union Jack when you think about it? But isn’t that the problem – thinking about it. No-one thinks about it too loudly.

The thirty seconds of silence were meant as a resigned approval of what must happen.

“See how you get on then”

An order to point the diplomacy shuttle in a sideways direction.

As if by some afterthought that too much had been conceded, Daithi issued a two-week deadline till the next gathering. Carole politely asked if putting it back half an hour would be better. The traffic and all. Gary echoed her request, claiming it would give him time for a shower after coming in from a day’s work covered in paint, while Gearoid cautioned against inviting the flies in next time. The annoying wee b*stards, he added before taking his leave and forgetting to bring his furtive glance with him as he emerged from the building.

Ordinary people; doing everyday things.

The Professionals – Part One

From: Bodie

To: Doyle; Cowley

Dear All

Please find attached agenda for tomorrow’s meeting.

I would be grateful if you could confirm attendance.

Regards

Bodie

*******

To: Bodie, Cowley

From: Doyle

Dear Bodie

Many thanks for your email. I look forward to seeing you at tomorrow’s meeting. Should you need to discuss anything in the interim, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Many thanks

Doyle

*******

From: Cowley

To: Bodie; Doyle

Dear Both

I’d appreciate if we could meet half an hour earlier than scheduled as I have to leave for another meeting afterwards. Could you also forward your timesheets for last month and your monthly reports. In addition to outputs and outcomes, an additional column for inputs has been added going forward.

Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Kind regards

Cowley

********

From: Bodie

To: Admin

Dear Susie

Please find attached the agenda for tomorrow’s team meeting. Please print off copies. I’d appreciate if you could re-book the meeting room for 10am instead of 10:30am.

Thanks

B

********

From: Admin

To: Bodie

Hi Bodie

That’s no problem. Would you like those printed on double-sided along with the minutes from the last meeting?

Thanks

Susie

********

the professionals

Effective partnership working going forward

Review!!!!!

This week, I’m thrilled to be reviewing some work colleagues. I was approached by my bank over a year ago with a reminder of the limits to the elasticity of my overdraft facility. So, to avoid risking a snap, and the inevitable drop of my financial knickers that would embarrassingly coil around my knees, I returned to full-time employment. You could say the bank, in their unyielding generosity, fixed me up with this motley crew of folk. And now that my time with them is almost done, I feel best placed to provide an honest review of them for any future fools caught in a similar predicament. All names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Jim

AKA: The Old Skool Slacker. Or Jesus.

Motto: “Over the years, I’ve learned to stop talking and just listen”

Code language for: “Over the years, I’ve just stopped being arsed”.

Usually found: Scaring people going out the back door by standing just outside it with a fag in hand. If you hover about it long enough you’ll hear frequent cries of “Oh Jesus!”

Negative points: Uninhibited staring at colleagues’ breasts. General apathy. The sharing of endless updates on his son’s cricket team’s successes and failures.

Positive points: Misanthropic in a jaded Larry David kinda way.

Favourite quote: An exasperated “Well, ladies, I really can’t wait to see you all again” As he prematurely exits any meeting involving the most over-achieving cohort of the organisation.

Score: 8/10

Pauline

AKA: The Hottie (in her head). The Kitchen Gestapo (in mine)

Motto: “Whatever”

Code language for: “Whatever”

Usually found: Competing with her colleague in a competition to see whose lunch has the least amount of calories; then delighting in an immodest portion of curry chips in her office on Fridays when the other one is off.

Negative points: Unveiled insults and a fondness for emailing the equivalent of an underlined post-it note politely asking housemates to refrain from leaving unwashed dishes in the sink. Sometimes accompanied by photographic evidence.

Positive points: High forgiveness threshold, recognises her large reserves of eejitry.

Favourite quotes: “I don’t DO parades” Just parading.

Score: 6/10

Catherine

AKA: The Shit-hot One.

Motto: “Computer says no” (in voice of Carol Beer from Little Britain)

Code language for: “This organisation is run by genetic throw-backs with all the flexibility of a newt’s arse”

Usually found: Explaining exactly what her latest degree entails to people trying to get away from her. Offering people tea with the same frequency as Mrs. Doyle.

Negative points: Uses organisation’s facilities to drum up private consultancy business. Keeps palming off make-up she doesn’t use on to me.

Positive points: Force feeds me tortilla chips and guacamole to split her guilt while imploring me not to trust anyone. Including the cleaning lady. High up the paranoid spectrum, you could say.

Favourite Quotes: “Smart girl but not too smart” and other impenetrable sayings delivered with a gaze-into-the-middle-distance knowingness.

Score: 7/10

Paul

AKA: The Bullshitter

Motto: “Don’t get me started”

Code language for: “Don’t get me started on having to work. I’m here to appear busy, not be busy”

Usually found: Furiously pacing the back lawn taking very important calls. About his football team.

Negative points: His one-man quest to topple the organisation through unrivalled lethargy.

Positive points: Attending all those fictitious meetings means I can get on with some work in peace. Laughs at my ridiculous jokes, though. And gets them occasionally.

Score: 6/10.

Laura

AKA: The Nosey One

Motto: “I’m only just saying”

Code language for: “I can’t seem to keep my trap shut”

Usually found: See Pauline above

Negative points: Free-flowing insults e.g. “How can she be your mother-in-law? She’s soooooo young looking!” (to me, after meeting my Sister Mother-in-law). Can be heard within a forty mile radius. Uses hands-free to dial phone numbers. Enough to drive the most sane of us to photocopy our arse and paper the entire kitchen with the results.

Positive points: Free-flowing insults e.g. “How can he be your husband? He’s doesn’t look like a man who’s near 40” (to me, after meeting my Son Husband). Likes Garth Brookes.

Favourite Quotes: “I didn’t say that” when the only possible interpretation of what she did say is reiterated for clarification.

Score: 4/10

Nessa

AKA: The Winging It One.

Motto: “I’ve a meeting in the morning”

Code language for: “I’ll be late tomorrow”

Usually found: In the car park

Negative points: Overly formal emails regarding the least important things. Example:

Dear TOTB

I regret to inform you the photocopies of your arse have been evacuated from the kitchen. Management would be grateful if you could desist from any further acts of defacing the interior of the dining quarter. Such acts shall not be tolerated henceforth.

Yours sincerely

Nessa

Me: *dialls Nessa’s extension*

Nessa: Nessa speaking

Me: So, what you mean there, Nessa, is quit plastering the place with pictures of my arse? Right are you are.

Positive points: Makes a decent cup of coffee.

Favourite Quote: “I must have just missed you” (after spending the day ringing her extension)

Score: 5/10

Successful Business People.

(My colleagues: not pictured)

Disclosure: I was approached by HR to review these colleagues as part of my exit interview. If I got paid for talking shite about shite, do you think I wouldn’t be bragging about it to you?

This woman’s work

Work eh. Who’d be bothered. And don’t give me that women-can-do-anything routine with a tampon ad voiceover quality to your enthusiasm. That’s all fine and dandy until you hit your forties when you just want to put your feet up and whinge about what you could’ve been if only you had gotten off your arse on time. But as a mother (not merely a lowly ‘parent’) to a female member of the species, I’m morally contracted to keep up this Lean In On Me routine till she finds out about the ways of world for herself. (Future awkward conversations.. “Well, you fell for Santa, and the Tooth Fairy, and *scratches back of head* I just sort of lost of the run of myself after that. You did drink milk from those things lying at my feet though.”)

I’m not allowed to admit to anyone that I hope she gives university a wide berth unless she’s planning on becoming an astrophysicist, or enters well after she’s left her teens behind her. I once shared a house with an astrophysicist and distinctly remember indignantly remarking “I don’t remember seeing that on the prospectus” as if the sector was robbed of my scientific genius. That was after he regaled me with tales of chasing brown dwarfs around space, and before one of my mates chimed in to ask if he could read star signs.

Some other things not in the prospectus I hope she discovers…

  • A healthy scepticism towards third-level education: whether it’s the only route available to what she wants to do with her life, while recognising the value and privilege of education for its own sake; not just a route to work, or an entitlement to work based solely on it. Graduates are a mixed ability group like any other. Look around your office. Actually, just look at your management.
  • Be suspicious of folk who define themselves by the letters trailing their name. They haven’t done enough waitressing to know what a knob they sound like, or what the application of ‘interpersonal skills’ really means.
  • Wanting to do something ordinary is OK. That’s what the majority folk end up being as they contend with modern life. Except those people who make the buns in our local bakery, and Enya. But if doing battle with the piped cream, or wandering round naked in a field on the grounds of a castle howling at the moon isn’t her thing, that’s OK. Every modest job contributes to making our world spin.
  • She doesn’t have to fly to the moon, gesticulate weirdly in an ill-fitting power suit in a boardroom; cream her knickers discussing Sheryl Sandberg at her book club, or facilitate unethical financial transactions over obscenely priced lunches with people looking rougher than the photo accompanying their inflated Linkedn profiles, to break the gender mould. She can also build beautiful walls, thatch cottages, repair car engines, or be a real hero and fix washing machines. Plumbers are the unrecognised feminists of this world after all. The world will always need plumbers. Most jobs with an element of manual labour are extraordinary.
  • A job is not guaranteed for life. Anyone with that expectation is divorced from the real world.
  • If it all goes to shit and she needs to bow out of the mainstream workforce for whatever reason – that’s OK. Generations before her fought hard for workers’ rights. The right to sick pay, the right to get well. The right not be ashamed for being human.
  • Chances are everyone is under some degree of stress. Comparing your own work stresses to others is futile and, if you’re a teacher, will only win you a few headbutts. Remember that in the modern age, the union representative is the message. And most sectors of hardworking people don’t have a union to negotiate conditions or fight with Matt Cooper on Thursday evenings while she wonders what’s in the fridge for dinner.
  • Not to worry if she’s exhausted by the ‘professional’ persona she strives to cultivate or the bizarre ‘professional’ persona of others that appears at odds with their regular personalities. Work is all about suspending disbelief and leaving your normal personality at the door. Just remember to pick it up on the way out.
  • Life isn’t fair and until there is a universal definition of what constitutes worthy work, the wealth from work will continue to be distributed unevenly, with or without an education.
  • The composition of discussion panels in the media regarding the status of women in the workplace is usually skewed in favour of middle class women and their corresponding problems. Valid and relevant though they are, and she might well be one of them, if she filters the same problems through a person with half the wage, and a quarter of the opportunities, it’ll aid perspective.
  • Email read receipts are unnecessary and the scourge of the instant gratification generation. Ignore them.
  • That reminds me. Folk who will pride themselves in pointing out her grammar or spelling mistakes are just working through their feelings of guilt  and shame around masturbation.
  • It’s only work.

wall

A barrier to women in the workplace

An ostentatious show of faith

Ash Wednesday. A day that separates the hardcore practitioners from the casuals. And the casuals from the ones that desperately needed a school place. One has to admire the willingness of the faithful to conduct their day’s business as usual while exhibiting a blob in the shape of Kim Kardashian’s arse on their forehead. Have you ever encountered road rage from such an individual? Me neither, but I’ve a feeling it’d be funny. (“Oh God sorry, do you need an ambulance? How many fingers am I holding up?”). Or maybe not. I might wear my crucifixes lightly (job, location, immediate family, parenthood, cheese habit etc.) but can relate to the arched browed curiosity these parishioners are exposed to nonetheless.

Take that first morning of a new job when I had the uneasy feeling the twenty new pairs of eyes were looking slightly past mine. As if the first-day hyena laughter and the overbearing children’s TV presenter enthusiasm wasn’t wearing enough. Not wanting to interrupt my concentration while reading the riveting company policies, and continue with the show of conscientiousness due to expire the following day, I staved off the need to pee until my non-paid lunch break. A double-take in the mirror and a dreaded close-up revealed the remnants of the face cream I’d applied in the car hovering around the nostril area. Children’s TV presenter enthusiasm indeed.

Still, that was nothing compared to the après ronnie job. I’d been in denial for years. Then, one night, several pints in to a conversation on personal grooming with a mix of mates, I called the discusson to a halt and demanded those present to inspect the ronnie I feared I was carrying around. There was no avoiding The Truth. They all leaned in for a gawk. There followed a slow start to the sheepish yeahs before they were all nodding in unison like they’d been wondering how best to confront me on the matter for years. A resounding yes to getting the ronnie off then, and one for the road.

ronnie

Look carefully. Are you sure you don’t see something?

Heading into work the next morning with a rare five minutes to spare, I slid into the beauticians for a quick wax. Nobody told me my lip would be visible from space for the next hour. I landed into what was a pretty tense meeting with one of the aforementioned mates on the opposing side. I prefer to think I unwittingly disarmed her with my radioactive skin.

Don’t try this at work without getting permission from an adult.

Sorry you’re having a birthday

There comes a moment in every employee’s life when panic strikes fear in to the most indifferent of hearts. Or the other way about. Fear, panic. Either works. No, not sending an email slagging off the boss to the very boss. Close. That’s right, you’ve guessed it. I’m talking about when one is required to Sign The Card. Oh fuck no. Not The Card. Yeah. The Card.

Hardly a week goes by but someone I half know/tolerate has had a new baby, celebrating their leaving, or being congratulated for going off sick. Occasionally, someone will have had a bereavement, which, while sad, is also the terrifying moment when you realise exclamation marks can’t be relied on as a substitute for an actual message. Even if that sentiment is “thank Christ you’re leaving”.

Here are the six universal steps to signing the office circulated card as observed over some painful years:

1. Ignore the card/Wait until everyone else signs it first.

2. Find the least eye-drawing spot remaining; usually one of the bottom-hand corners, or in between two loud messages with enough room your own barely decipherable font size 5.

3. Quickly skim over what others have written while straining to conceal the fact you’re doing this. (See number 4) Curl your lip at what a lick arse/dull/unfunny person such and such is. (optional) Admire the blokes for their uniformly succinct no-nonsense ‘Best wishes, Dave’, even when their name isn’t Dave. (also optional)

4. Attack the card with the nib of your ball-point in a confident manner that suggests you don’t have to think about what to say, the perfect witticism just rolls off your pen.

5. Try to avoid staring into the middle distance for too long with the pen between your teeth in a bid to come up with a witticism that just won’t roll off your pen. No-one likes a lick-arse, or a thoughtful, decent person. Where I work anyway.

6. Five minutes later, just write a variation of all the other bland wishes already down only with extra exclamation marks attached. (Welcome to the sleepless world of parenting!!! etc.)

It’s creepy using codified language for “you lucky bastard” right below the boss’s insincere request for the person leaving to keep in touch but it has to be done. If you’re feeling brave, you could draw an arrow up towards the boss’s comment and spray a lot of LOLs around the place. Be careful to avoid committing absent-minded faux pas such as wishing the person happy birthday on a sympathy card, or sorry you’re leaving on a get well card. (guilty on both counts).

Beware the get well cards. Always check its source. In one job, a particularly heartfelt card was circulated around the office with alarming eagerness by the boss. The intended recipient was on sick leave due to being bullied by said boss. So I shoved it behind the radiator and it remained one of the great unsolved mysteries, and an agenda item at the next staff meeting.

Finally, approach the leaving card with caution. A few of my former colleagues and I took the time to make a leaving card for a soon-to-be former colleague. The woman cheerfully accepted the gesture only to fix me with an evil eye twenty gin and tonics later to point out that the boat had both a sail and an engine, which was obviously indicative of our desire to make sure she left.

ahoy-ah003

Choppy waters for that particularly sexist colleague who’s leaving 

The Tunnel

tunnel

For five years I have been a reluctant resident of a Northern Irish town having made the ultimate sacrifice as a drifter by settling down in the birthplace of my fella. Since shoving his clothes over the far side of the wardrobe rail to make way for mine, I have endured a trying-to-like/hate relationship with it. Hating it for seeming to forever occupy a suffocating small-town mindset; trying to like it for not pretending to be somewhere it’s not, the likelihood of it remaining my permanent home, and some locals whom I have grown immensely fond.

My husband was reared on the curve of a side street on the periphery of the commercial heart of the town during the late ’70s and ’80s. He was relatively shielded from The Troubles by regular trips to his Granny’s in the countryside, teenage indifference, the shrill soundtrack of a clatter of sisters, and corresponding hypnosis from playing and dreaming about football. He’s not a very reliable narrator of local history.

In my job, I work alongside people he half-knows that he half-thinks lost family or served time. Some of these individuals are currently engaged in community efforts to have a pedestrian underpass on the far side of town closed up. It has become a magnet for young people who have few places to go except through a short cut towards risky behaviours a shadowy underpass allows. They will likely be displaced to somewhere new once the project is complete. Moving the problem along rather than dealing with it head-on. An Irish response to a Northern Irish problem.

Amid hand-wringing discussions, I have barely been able to snatch an insight to the site’s history. The odd throw-away comment and knowing laughs from a few of its now balding graduates was enough to suggest there is more to this underpass than discarded beer cans, abandoned young people, and foul smells. Inquiries are met with scarcely more than tight-lipped stares into the middle distance, and a nod to it being in the past. As if the past is a viewable monument just out of sight.

So earlier today, I Googled a locally revered surname in certain circles and my eyes fell on another that leapt out from the search: A local boy turned Guardian writer who, in an article from 2002, deviates from his usual topics (music, culture) to take the reader on a walk through his old neighbourhood.“Below it [the school] is a place known locally as ‘the tunnel’, where a pedestrian underpass runs beneath the road. Thirty years ago, the tunnel was the epicentre of most of the rioting locally at the beginning of what came to be known as The Troubles.”

He reminisces about his own tenure in the underpass. “I spent many a Saturday in the early 70s at the tunnel, throwing stones and bottles at the RUC and British Army patrols that regularly skirted the housing estates, playing cat-and-mouse with the snatch squads who hit the ground running from the backs of Saracens and Land Rovers. (Surreally, everyone would go home for dinner at one o’clock – no one called it lunch in Northern Ireland – and regroup at two, to start the ritual all over again.)”

The unremarkable site’s silenced history kept tumbling out. “The tunnel is where I helped hijack a coal truck, and watched enthralled as older lads set it on fire with petrol bombs. It is where a lorry carrying Dr Martens boots was commandeered, making us probably the best-shod rioters in the long, volatile history of Northern Irish insurrection. It is where I first tasted the blinding, gagging sting of CS gas, and where I was hit on the elbow – right on the funny bone – by a rubber bullet. It is, in short, where I had a lot of wild fun as a regular teenager in an irregular time. It is a place loaded with good memories.”

And, inevitably, with some very bad ones. In the weeks following Bloody Sunday in January 1972, trouble in The Tunnel, as elsewhere, intensified. “What once had been fun was suddenly fraught with very real danger. Like most of my friends, though, I was addicted to that danger. That same week, on the morning of Saturday 5 February, a bread van belonging to Irvine’s bakery was hijacked at the tunnel. On the way back from town with her shopping, my mother bumped into the distraught bread man. A lorry carrying bales of hay was also attacked. It sped through the crowd, flames leaping high into the air.”

“In the housing estate where I lived, a small family drama was simultaneously under way. My younger cousin, Dessie, who lived on the other side of town, had been drawn into the area by rumours of blazing lorries and bread vans. (He has since, incidentally, become a fireman.) In the afternoon, my father, sensing that more trouble was imminent, instructed me and my brother to remain in and around our house, while he set off to take my cousin out of the estates and into the relative safety of the town centre. Within minutes, they had literally walked into trouble.”

“On the ring road, a small gang of youths, impatient for an afternoon riot, had broken away from the crowd gathered at the tunnel area and headed for the turn-off [to the local church]. There, they attempted to hijack an Ulsterbus carrying passengers to a nearby town. In the confusion that followed, a Molotov cocktail was thrown through a smashed window. It exploded in the lap of a woman passenger.”

“My father and my cousin saw the crowd, mainly young teenagers, force the bus down on to the slip road; saw someone heave a large pole thought the front window; saw flames leap up inside the bus and frightened passengers leap from the emergency door. Alongside two other local men, my father boarded the smoke-filled bus and helped the driver carry the injured woman off. They waved down a passing car which took her to the city hospital. In the hazy, frantic moments between running on to the burning bus and laying the woman – unconscious, her hair razed, her dress and nylons melted into her skin – gently down on the roadside, the crowd evaporated. For years afterwards, my father would wake in the night, convinced he could smell burning nylon and flesh.”

The woman survived for seven weeks and two days before she died. She was 38 years of age and a cherished housekeeper for a prominent Protestant family in the town. The 323rd victim of The Troubles.

Haunted by these events, the writer made a visit to the woman’s family home thirty years later. He was greeted by the woman’s sister who talked about that day as it unfolded and her sister’s employer coming to the house to break the news of the incident.

Flicking through old photographs, he noted many of those teenagers he rioted with, kicked a ball about with, sat next to in school… are all gone. All young victims of The Quaint Euphemism. Included in this group is the man with the surname I Googled that brought me to O’Hagan’s article. I no longer half-know the facts.

Pausing on the ring-road that leads to the Tunnel, our tour guide remarked “Everything has changed in the interim, but everything looks just the same. A photographer is trying to capture the sweep of the road and, in the foreground, a lamppost painted green, white and orange. As if on cue, an Ulsterbus trundles by. My head is flooded with memories; vague images from another time, not that long ago, that now seems unreal, almost unfathomable.”

Twelve years on from the writer’s pilgrimage home, and his tour of the town’s soul, it all still looks the same. That generation of disenchanted teenagers has been replaced twice over. But some things have changed. The widow of the murdered aforementioned murdered woman’s employer, who made the journey to her family to break the news, is now a prominent local Unionist politician. The brother of one of the teenagers in the grainy photo, shot down in his prime by security forces, is a community activist in his Nationalist community. Today they sit alongside one another on the working group to close the Tunnel.

And in learning the sad legacy of its history, I feel a little less hard-hearted towards the place I’ve come to sometimes accidentally call home.

So long, Boss

Stop all the computers, cut off the telephone
Prevent the boss from barking with a juicy bonus
Silence the mobiles and with a muffin or bun
Bring out the coffee, let the lazy arses come
Let inane chortle from drones go over head
Dribble the blue sky thinking message She Was Inbred
Put crap ties around the white necks of the public servants
Let the stationery cabinet police wear black cotton pants
She was my wrath, my gout, my yeast infection, my stress
My working week and my Sunday pest
My noon cake, my midnight snack, my baulk, my thong
I thought that newbie probation period would last for ever: I was wrong
The Mars bars are not wanted now, put away every one;
Pack up the macaroon and dismantle the bun;
Pour away the ocean of coke and sweep up the bad mood
For something now might eventually come to good

Password Protected

Hi ho. It’s back to full-time work, I go. This time to one of those large organisations with its own IT Department. Gotta love those IT guys. Every day is a no-uniform day, another opportunity to remain nonplussed with head down while all about them are losing theirs. And go by the name of Gary. Usually.

Gary set me up on the system on my first day before sauntering back to his mothership with an over-the-shoulder warning I’ll need to change my password regularly. It took a nanosecond to lash in the first: my Daughter’s name and birth year. There was a time I would’ve approached the task by having a generous stare into space before being jolted back into real time with precisely the right song title for there and then, only for it to be rejected for not containing the requisite mix of numbers and letters. Napoleon36. A historic figure and a few random numbers to you, an Ani DiFranco song and the year of my Mother’s birth to me. [“Everyone is a fucking Napoleon”. Except you, Ma, you’re just naturally short.]

Passwords represent rare opportunities to smuggle a teeny wee piece of your heart and soul into a soulless workplace. The hidden bit of you for when a framed photo or potted plant won’t do. When the frame is empty and you couldn’t give a fuck about plants. The password protects those cordoned off files and feelings you can’t share with anyone.  Except on the rare occasion a Gary needs it, and they’ve probably heard them all.  I wish I could remember all of mine and print them off like the keyboard-track of my life.

I’d forgotten the scale of my Ani DiFranco habit back in my 20s. Her middle finger was perpetually aloft to the latest man who’d broken her heart, and to The Man who breaks millions to make millions. Notsosoft – the first, and sole remaining, password from an early email account. A relic of me as the idealist, brimming with enough angst to take Him and his sort on. Like many of us thundering up the highway towards World Change, I was seduced by a boy down a back alley where we both overstayed our welcome. Subsequent passwords from that love affair: firedoor00, untouchable02 (as in Untouchable Face), and thereyougo04 [..”swinging down the boulevard..”]

Damestreet08 didn’t expire till ’09. Scene of my first kiss with my now husband up against a fancy streetlight outside the Brian Boru Pub on the corner before you cut down to Burdock’s. We parted an hour after it started from where I floated back to the car-park. It was locked so I had to cough up eighty quid to get my car out. I’d have cheerfully paid double that. Fakeempire09 and Slowslow10 came later followed by the date and place of our wedding. Now I bring our little one in to work every day. All kitted out in lower and upper case accessorised by a one and a two. Till home time, when she comes running towards me with her lopsided ponytail and Minnie Mouse t-shirt giving me a few ideas for the next password.

There’s a change in constellation. Something’s been re-arranged. Even Ani is lighter of step..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUM_i666O8A

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