You know when a Big Fromage appears unexpectedly in work and all foreheads hatch a new crease from over-concentration as they solemnly bow over keyboards? Me neither.
You know when you vow to keep your mouth shut in a pointless work meeting and manage to pull it off without exposing yourself as a deranged hyena? Me neither.
You know when you spot the excessively polite exchanges between school parents on the Facebook group and avoid wading in with a ridiculous wisecrack that isn’t even funny to upset the stepfordium? Me neither.
You know when you finally get a job where there’s not one po-faced commander flights of stairs up the chain who’s always present when you make a monumental dick of yourself? Me neither.
You know that moment when you’re finally persuaded by the self-satisfying break-through logic of that person you’re ‘engaging’ with on Twitter? Me neither.
You know that smug moment when you realise you’re above all social media pettiness and permanently restrain yourself from having the last word? Me neither.
You know how folk should be united in their opposition to despots and unsustainable laws and campaigns through some notion of static ‘communities’ that collectively appoint spokespeople with whom others must never disagree or they’ll be sent to the gulag for tone-policing? Me neither.
You know that feeling of recognition you get when other parents freely talk about ‘mammy guilt’? Me neither.
You know my career, right? Me neither.
You know when you’re ordering popcorn in the cinema? Me neither.
You know when everyone around you is exceedingly polite and it rubs off on you and you don’t break out in an anaphylactic bout of swearing and disclose the most socially embarrassing stories about your family? Me neither.
You know my savings account, right? Me neither.
You know the way your husband is your best friend? Me neither.
You know that embarrassing incident involving a minor indiscretion from 1995 you’ve finally been able to let go of? Me neither.
You know that job application that’s due in this week? Me neither.
Shit. The family fromages are circling.
*hatches new forehead crease*