So, like, even though I ended up weeping uncontrollably at that scene with Elliot and E.T. lying side-by-side saying their good-byes as the science dudes are about to make off with him?
Nah. You’d have done that anyway.
Or when I said I wasn’t hungry and actually meant it?
Probably not, no
Even though I didn’t sneak any sweets up to bed to eat on the sly?
Or the fact I couldn’t move out of bed for an entire two days and woke up at 4am deliriously convinced I was in the house of our childhood neighbour and was just about to get done for suspiciously hanging around their drinks cabinet?
Nothing. But I was exceptionally friendly to your sister when she called round.
And I almost outed us as a Celtic household after spotting some middle-class sneering on Twitter, and was very tempted to defend you despite fearing how judged we would be?
Sure they’re always sneering
But I had to leave that mother stranded and rush in to hide the Celtic Santa before I could let her in last week
Right, well, what about the fact I didn’t once roar at the television during the following:
a) RTE’s displays of patronising public service duty. This time portraying the latest immigrant in Fair City as over-familiar, and duty-bound to be obsequiously lovely to every local he meets irrespective of where the locals come on the spectrum of beige
b) Kathryn Thomas contaminating the Trolls theme tune with her smug evangelical calorie killing kill-joy routine crying out for a toe up the hole from patent ox-blood Dr Martens
And I didn’t try to pretend I wasn’t watching Fair City, or hand you the remote so you could pretend that I pretend I don’t watch it by keeping it on while flicking through teletext.
You sound better now.
I was serious about the sweets y’know
[laughs] I know
So, if it wasn’t the fucking flu then what the hell was it?
I told you. It was just a bad cold.
“It’s just a bad cold, E.T. You’ll be grand. Let me ask these guys for a strepsil”