Top 5 ways I regularly make a tit of myself

1. Waiting for the gates to lift after shoving the parking ticket in the machine. Then copping I forgot to pay it, with a Rizla paper sized space between my bumper and the next. There is no obligation for those queuing to show any tolerance or understanding of this outrageous act of civil disobedience. To prove this, I will release their collective thought bubble by loudly proclaiming to all within earshot my status as a numpty and a half. I might add gestures depending on the demographic. Gentle sideway head pleads for the older generation; a regular pistol to my head for the rest. Older and younger people – you are united in not finding any of these theatrics helpful or amusing. Concentrate on what you have in common, not what divides you.

2. Being introduced to someone new in work and casually enquiring “what do you do yourself then?” so I can make the correct prejudicial judgement and a mental note to avoid them in future. “I’m the Chief Executive” “I’m God” “I’m Jesus” “I’m Elvis” “I make Reese’s peanut butter cups”. Inevitably, all the big fromages I should be genuflecting before rather than having the impertinence to address them verbally or initiate eye contact.

My boss is usually in the wings wearing her thought bubble on her rolled-up sleeve (“Numpty”). First cousin to this awkward moment is the over-enthusiastic response to any hint of the boss being absent or out-of-reach. It’s a throwback to my younger days and the thrill of the parents going away. Twenty odd years and 200 miles later, a wave of giddiness still comes over me when I hear they’re going away for the night; even though I’m not actually there. This week’s classic… Boss: “This will be my last week here” Me: “Whaaaaaaaaat??” In that over-exuberant the-water-pipes-have-burst-there’s-no-school-today kinda what. “Eh I’m just moving to a different office”. Insert your own tumbleweed here.

3. People are so fucking cruel where I work, not one of them had the decency to point out that I ran the risk of exhibiting a dodgy drug habit with the remnants of face cream hovering round my nostril area. We Mothers Are So Busy™ sometimes we don’t notice. Thanks people. You’re the best. I’m not telling yiz there’s no toilet paper left. I didn’t realise. Honestly™.

4. Turn to the person next to you and try chatting to them with your hand vaguely covering your mouth and shuffle backwards gradually. This is how to behave when you’ve bumped into someone you haven’t seen in ages while convinced your breath stinks. I don’t want to think about what their thought bubble contained.

5. Because I wasn’t arsed reading up on the non-must-haves for newborns, I overlooked a few items. After three weeks watching re-runs of One Born Every Minute and bragging about my heroic stoicism compared to the screaming wimps featured, the inevitable emergency came (we had run out of cheese and pate). An outing was inevitable.

Landing at the deli-counter I bumped in my Mother-in-Law who looks down at the buggy and asks where the child is. She’s here, says I, lifting back 25 assorted blankets. Think princess and the pea. The baby being the pea. A foot muff arrived by Amazon super swift post the following morning courtesy of Grandma. I’m usually wearing 25 assorted blankets of one sort or another any time we randomly collide. It’s not that she’s not a decent spud, my Ma In-Law, it’s just that most times we have an unscheduled meeting, I inspire her to think…numpty

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6 thoughts on “Top 5 ways I regularly make a tit of myself

  1. I hear you on the parking barrier and the hand over the mouth thing. I also like to say hi to people and realise too late that I don’t know them, but then pretend nothing is amiss and let them think I really do know them…people are too nice to admit otherwise

  2. Great, a chance to comment two years later…..about right for my time zone. Turns out I’m really good at coming out with platitudes at meetings where I don’t know wtf they’re talking about. Everyone nods….it goes wrong when I throw in of my made up platitudes….They’re nodding away then suddenly stop and don’t make eye contact for next hour and a half of the meeting😔

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