Look what I stole for us, darling

A five minute commute (for you)

A non-backed out of school-night gig  (for us)

One day of her as a new-born (don’t look at me like that)

A really high fence for the back garden (for them next door)

An impulse hover over the match ticket purchase button. Go on! press the damn thing.

Life insurance. Oh no, wait, we both bought that last week. Sorry.

Former colleagues. Hey, back off, those are mine.

500 tea-spoons. Only messin’. Eh calm down, I’m sure I can get some next time. Jeez-us.

What do you think it looks like? That dime bar dessert from ten years ago you’re always on about.

*holds up hanger to chin*  For respectability in the workplace. What do you think? It’s probably too small.

A stash of ready-made semi-colons to insert wherever you like. Control yourself, man.

*reads back of packaging* Oh yeah, I forgot about this – a matching shame-gland to go with the work gear.

Two-for-one confidence supplements. We’re not supposed to use heavy machinery or drive for at least four hours after taking these.

Eternal spotlessness of the box-set mind. It looks more like a tanning machine to me. Still, if it means experiencing The Sopranos from scratch, who the fuck cares, eh?


7 thoughts on “Look what I stole for us, darling

  1. I like your two for one confidence booster. Mines been a little low recently. Must boost. Enjoy the Sopranos I’ve never watched it but remember well the hype over the last minute of the last episode.

  2. oo oo oo do you have any spare semi-colons? You know how much I love them. Isn’t teaspoon theft a wonderfully satisfying hobby? I gaze upon the ones in our drawer with a wistful smile, fondly remembering where each one came from. It’s a less fraught hobby than acquiring pub glasses.

    • ;;;;;;; ;;; ;;;;;; ;;;;; ;;;; *leans back* Hmmm. I’m getting a weird North Korean line-up from those. Kitchen theft is thrilling. There’s a glass in my parents’ kitchen from which I used to sip Ribena through the ’80s in my best mate’s house. If anything happens it I’ll *shakes fist menacingly*

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