Many’s the conversation I’d love to have overheard but didn’t so I’m forced to undertake some guesswork instead. To fill in some essential blanks as it were.

Example One:

On driving by a house with a pair of gigantic stone Irish wolfhounds aloft pillars either side of a 10 foot gate (digital keypad on the right) at the foot of a driveway leading to a…standard 1950’s bungalow. Child of Prague in the porch window optional.

Picture the scene:

A newly retired couple – let’s call them Mary and Tom – are strolling through the garden centre of a Sunday…

Mary: What about one of those windmills like the Cassidys have?

Tom doesn’t hear her because he got distracted by the joinery in the garden sheds ten feet back without her realising. He can’t help himself. He feels The Dark Stare and looks up to squint at whatever she’s pointing at.

Tom: Whatever you think yourself. I’m easy.

M: Sigh

T: What about this fountain-y yoke?

M: Mmmm. It’s OK. Would it not be hard to keep clean? *strolling on* Wait, what about these? *points to set of stone wolfhounds before going over to caress them*

T: They’re a bit big, are they not?

M: *reads label* There’s 30 per cent off them. Sure they match the gable wall.

Example Two:

Leaning back on the dentist’s chair trying to respond to his  considered questions while his fingers are shoved into my wide-open gob.

Picture the scene:

Young Sean at 17 filling in his CAO form…

Dad looking over his shoulder: What’s that you have down as your first choice?

Sean: Sociology in Cork

Dad: That’s hardly a career. What did Mammy say?

S: She said to choose whatever would make me happy

D: Mammy? *footsteps towards kitchen*

One hour later..

Mammy: But you’ve always been good at science. Would you not just pick one to keep him happy? What about medicine?

S: But I’m queasy, Ma. Remember that time I fainted in biology when they showed the video of that beatle trying to roll a ball of earth backwards up a hill.

M: That was because you were dehydrated from playing tennis at lunch beforehand.

S: Was it? *scratches head*

M: OK, well, what about dentistry?

S: Yeah, right, so I can what – fool around with the laughing gas?

M: There you go! Dentistry it is.

Example three:

On hearing a teenager in Northern Ireland was reported to the police by her flatmates for procuring abortion pills on-line.

Picture the scene…

Two flatmates – let’s call them Hannah and James – suspect their other flatmate has induced an abortion with pills bought over the net. The contents of a black bag lead them to believe she has followed through with her intent. Despite having only recently moved in with them, she discloses she is pregnant and hopes to raise enough money to enable her to travel to the UK for an abortion. She doesn’t, so orders the pills instead.

Hannah: *looks blank*

James: *looks blank*

H: What do you think we should do?

J: *shrugs* Check if she’s OK? whether she needs any help or support? Or we could just mind our own business.

Five minutes silence later…

H: What would Jesus do?

J: Mmmmm *contemplates question* Does it matter that my God is different to your God?

H: Not if we’re thinking the same thing

In unison: Call the PSNI?

*high five*