Top 5…Dire imports from America

As anti-Black Friday fever sweeps across the nation, threatening to destabilise the parish of Cardinal Joe Duffy, and provoke Matt Cooper into knocking himself out with his own mock incredulity, let’s take a moment to consider some other dodgy American imports to our land. Begorrah.

  1. Ambitious women

I can’t remember when it happened exactly. It possibly coincided with the arrival of cappuccinos and those 20 ft inflatable Santas people erect on their gable walls at Christmas. With a straight face. Until then, Irish women were either teachers or volunteers with Saint Vincent de Paul, depending on their age. Now they’re nobody unless they’re doing both and holding down a job, sorry, a career, that involves trips to a board-room in heels to lean in to (unless they’re expressing) while writing about how empowering it is at precisely the same time. Won’t somebody please think of the dinner? Oh wait, they’ve done that, too.

2. Westboro Baptist Church

I must choose my words carefully here, otherwise WordPress will spinelessly cough up hefty hush money once it’s slapped with a solicitor’s letter threatening legal action over my apparent defaming of president of its Irish wing, Breda O’Brien. Ah fuck it, what do I care. This is the internet after all. Here goes..

ALL PUBLIC OPINION IS SUBJECT TO A GOOD KICKING, BREDA!

P.S. Pray for me.

3. Bono

Coming over here and taking our leafy suburbs working class streets for his inspiration.

4. Racism

I’m not saying we’ve anything against white middle-class singers coming over here and taking our inspiration but…

5. Obesity

Taking our humble spud, chopping it up and sticking it in the fryer, smothering it with taco sauce and placing them next to a double cheese burger and a gallon of coke.  It’s enough to.. *crushed in stampede*

black friday.png

Would you like some self-control with that?

6. Dating

Sobriety. Cutlery. Talking.

Bring back that most reliable of mating klaxons: The National Anthem.

Yeah, I know this is more than 5. I was never any good at math. Which reminds me..

7. Awesome

Grand. Ach alright.

Where exactly on this spectrum should we suppose this fits?

Awesome me star spangled arse.

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11 thoughts on “Top 5…Dire imports from America

  1. All that you say is true. Number 1 just makes me feel inadequate – I can’t walk in heels or make dinner. If Number 3 hadn’t caught a dose of the Ambition we might all have been happier. I’m very fond of watching Frasier for its cutting wit and repartee – but every episode has the theme of dating – what’s that about??? And yes, Number 5 will be the death of all of us . This is quite ironic for yerselves, given that a lack of the humble spud forced many of you to traipse over the water……. 😉

    • Aye, too right. We’re like British imperialists in some respects. Goose-steeping round the globe demanding the best of hospitality and hoping the hosts don’t take a notion to follow us back home. Keeping your feet on the ground, rather than three inches off it, helps maintain perspective. Stand proud, I say, if not as tall as some. I now pine for Frasier *lost in reverie*

      • You can catch Frasier 7 days a week on C4 🙂 Sometimes there are 3 in a row at weekend!!

      • True, but it’s just not the same as being able to watch it at the time it’s shown, decked out in your PJs, absent-mindedly filling yourself with toast and peanut butter *switches reverie* What’s the Scottish for dating by the way?

  2. Lovely. But perhaps you didn’t go far enough, Depterness? (I’m trying out a few new monikers for you. Bear with me.) There is a lack of ire and bile directed at you from the west on this. If you didn’t piss off an irate lover of dubious freedom, you must be doing something wrong.

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