Profane cow

Bless me, Comrades, it’s been *thinks how long since Glen Hansard’s Oscar speech* a few years at least since my last confession, and these are my transgressions:

I didn’t do what my parents told me so I don’t have a pension set up.

I said bad words like absolutely! (in that way) And one time I think I said..going forward. Possibly not in jest.

I had impure thoughts about Amy Huberman. It didn’t involve removing her clothes, just thon Newbridge Silverware that brings out her Stepford side. Only I went in for a swift but almighty boot up the arse. Kick like you mean it etc.

amy huberman

Amy opens up for the first time to Tommie Gorman about the trauma she endured at Newbridge Silverware

I called my brothers names. I’m ashamed to admit they included solvent, capitalist, over-achiever, and funds manager. OK, I didn’t really call any of them a funds manager. I wouldn’t want to be disowned altogether.

When Bob Geldof invited refugees to stay in his gaff, I was concerned they might be exposed to the music of The Boomtown Rats. Haven’t they been through enough?

Yesterday, I legged it into the nearest shop when I spotted my Mother-In-Law advancing. I’ve no idea why I did this. On the plus side, my mate said she never saw me run so fast.

Michael Palin. I still would.

I mean-spiritedly, if accurately, assumed the judges of the Irish Blog Awards were a mixed ability group when I discovered my favourites didn’t make the cut.

Stephen Fry. I still would. Even if it meant life imprisonment with no chance of parole.

I didn’t LOL at any of the excerpts from the current glut of books out on the Irish condition. I’m too afraid to name names for fear of risking torture for outrageous acts of social disobedience and sacrilege. As the quest for the true essence of Paddy continues, I’m sure there are a few chapters in there dedicated to the perennial curmudgeon, impossible to please. I’ll be bitterly disappointed, if not. I aim to do my bit in contributing to that most complicated and elusively layered beast: The middle-aged Irish woman.

I typed LOL. Twice.

My self-loathing has spread to wincing on people greeting me in our native language, and any time I’m exposed to Irish dancing. Richard Dawkins claimed Catholic education was worse than child abuse so that woefully misplaced hysteria has already been taken.

Yeah, Richard Dawkins. etc.

I typed Richard Dawkins. Three times.

I’m responsible for our wee one cultivating a Michael Jackson obsession. It started one afternoon when I innocently introduced her to The Jackson Five on youtube. It ended with her insisting on watching Thriller every night after dinner, just before one episode of Peppa. Here, have a listen.. “Darkness falls across the land..” Sorry, wrong link, I hit the Amnesty film, Chains, there by mistake.

I’m a fan of all of Graham Linehan’s commendably great work, though The I.T. Crowd did it for me better than Father Ted. And Moone Boy gives the latter a run for its money.

Finally *whispers* I might’ve laughed at Liam Neeson’s voiceover. A baby laugh. A whimper. More of a cough when I think about it.

*Bows head solemnly for absolution*

19 thoughts on “Profane cow

  1. I agree with Lauren *smiles smugly at the devious way she avoided saying The Words. Look on the bright side, “Catastrophe” starts up again next week and that’s half written by one of yer wummen 🙂 Must pop off to find out who this Amy is.

    • Word only reached tenderness towers after the screening. I haven’t had such a severe anxiety attack since a barman once told me they’d run out of beer. Did you watch it? No spoilers now, but give your trusted mark out.of ten score. One being a curled lip, ten rolling around laughing like a baby. I haven’t experienced a ten since a barman one told me they’d run out of beer.

  2. Hah! I don’t think we have anyone who gets that much protection. Oooor Nicola doesn’t count cos she can knock people down with her laser glow eyes all by herself

  3. I think I’m going for a Strictly Craig score of 3. I’m so perplexed that I’m going to have to watch it again to see if it really wasn’t as hilarious as the first series. Mind you, I was a bit distracted because the Kid decided that having a conversation with his Maw at 10pm was a good idea. Mostly he kept asking why I thought this programme was funny.

    • Consider it a blessing he didn’t laugh at the Coldplay joke – it means you’ve successfully shielded him. Finally got round to watching it. The tragicomedy is still there albeit with a new, if tricky, theme. But why couldn’t she just have the one child like normal people? It’s all gone worryingly North London, but I’m reserving judgement. I gave it a 5. At least two of those were for the Scottish bloke.

      • Yup, my main issue was with the timey wimey thing. Last series finished with giving birth, and here she is again pregnant. By next week she’ll have given birth to a 0.2 to have the full quota of North London children; they’ve already got the dog. Yup, I like how Other Bloke and Ashley Jensen don’t socialise together – reminds me of me and Himself 🙂

  4. On your knees. There is no hope as there is more than one mortal sin here. Jesus is very disappointed in you, hence the rain as when we upset baby Jesus he cries. So tomorrow when it rains hang your head, be ashamed.

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