1. Discovering our wee one is starting school with the boss’s daughter in the same class. Insincere smiles across the sandpit on induction morning and lousy ventriloquist alert to my fella etc. We all know where this is going. Despite every conceivable intervention, they will inevitably end up best mates, *winces* play daters, college roommates, and married. I’ve a pain in my face thinking about the pain in my face all this uncharted civility will give me.
2. Being discovered eating those new Crunchie biscuits straight out of the packet. At 9 in the morning. I’m not going to bother justifying that one. Suffice to say there were a few hormones involved that gate-crashed the pity party that rapidly got out of hand.
3. Getting caught doing a mildly exaggerated impersonation of my Mother-in-Law by her son to his Mother-in-Law. I did an impersonation of him doing an impersonation of my Mother to my Mother in a hole-digging effort to even up the score. We’ll never speak of it again. Had it been the other way around, I’d have saved it for an argument, but he’s so offensively reasonable it’d have any maladjusted person scrambling for the crunchie biscuits.
4. Pretending to kidnap another child at our one’s childminder’s and being unaware of her mother witnessing the performance. I rarely see this woman, but I have fallen in love with her daughter and if I can’t have her, I can pretend to have her. When her mother isn’t around. I got that glazed smile and the suggestion that I speak to my husband about my needs as she calmly reclaimed the child.
5. Being asked if I’m pregnant. Again. It’s always worse for the person casually asking the question so to diffuse any tension, I didn’t contradict her.