Welcome to Tenderness Towers. Today, I thought I’d give you a rare intimate tour of headquarters. Specifically, around some of its more irritating fixtures and features. Let’s not waste any more precious time and get to it…
1. The fork
For fork’s sake
Let’s face it, unless you live in Scandinavia, or Japan, every cutlery drawer is a potentially mixed ability group. Ours is no exception. Despite perpetually losing teaspoons, radiator keys, and decanting it regularly of asylum-seeking rubber bands, we can’t seem to manage to ditch this fork. While you’re rolling your eyes there, just remember those times you’ve frustratingly tried to tuck into some tasty grub with a flimsy plastic fork. Exactly. This fork isn’t fit to lift cold Chinese in the event of a hangover. And that’s sayin’ something.
2. Mr Tall Kitchen Roll Holder
As seen on Pinterest
Proof that not all impulse buys work out.
3. Our letterbox
Name that tune in 5000
Moving into the hall, you’ll see our musical letterbox. The blue towel is inserted in a futile effort to prevent it from knocking itself off either side of the door day and fucking night. Funny for the first five minutes when you have guests round and ask them to answer the door. Not funny thereafter. Ever.
4. Our shower
Every Irish Dad’s dream ‘economic’ shower
Would you look at the head on that. Position it any lower and the water goes cold. All 2 cubic centimeters of it. It’s alright for you there living in your developed countries with your less-than-half-an-hour hair rinses. Smugness moves in horrible ways.
5. The lampshade in our bedroom
“And then she sniffed the perfume bottle and said “hmm, that smells like ‘come to me'”. And says I to Majella, Majella, c’mere to me, does that smell like cum to you?”
AKA: The tumbleweed.
*sharp wind coming through*
6. Unidentifiable immobile object
*Shrugs* Me neither. Possibly some sort of industrial art installation. Popular in the ’80s along with those Globe shaped drinks’ cabinet as the latest must-have to wow your friends with over prawn cocktail followed by some artic roll.