1. What to Suspect When You’re Expecting by Heidi E. Fuckoff & Sharon Nasalhair
My pregnancy bible and top of the best-seller list for another year. It’s broken into seven fairly substantial parts including:
First things first:
This contains all things pre-conceptual and preparation for both mums and dads. For example, did you know how close you were to getting knocked up for all those months before intentionally applying yourself to the task? Back when you were winging it with counting backwards from your last period and using the fingers on one hand to estimate your next before concluding “ah shure I’m grand for another few days yet”. Wrong. You had an eighty per cent chance of getting pregnant 45 days before ovulation, with or without dangling your legs in the air. As suspected, the dangling legs advice is designed to take the bad look off knocking back the Brazil nuts with gusto and leaving Fair City to watch on RTE +1 in order to maximise your chances this month with a sprint upstairs for a quickie. ‘Sprint’ might be an exaggeration. It’s also OK to have a pee two minutes after doing the deed. That’s ten minutes less leg dangling. There’s nothing in it about whether blokes notice your cellulite as much as you suspect but your first hunch is probably right.
Nine months and counting:
This is a riveting section containing month by month and week by week descriptions of the baby’s growth and progress. It charts what type and size of dessert it is each week starting with a hundredth and thousandth, and culminating with an entire vienetta. A comforting insight for those of us who are no strangers to what it feels like to be carrying around one of those in our tummies. It contains details on labour and childbirth with an advisory warning to read after giving birth when the reader will enjoy it more. Particularly the paragraph about being offered a paracetamol.
Who? Sometimes they get forgotten about but thankfully this book acknowledges the important role played by the dad, which is to remain in blissful ignorance about the continued downplaying and denial of his input in child-rearing in all ensuing discussions after the baby arrives. Unless he is a Stay-At-Home-Dad. This entitles him to the delusion that his opinion is on a par with those of mothers. And some of them might even fancy him, if he is one of those who interacts with his kids at the playground as opposed to hiding in the corner behind a paper. Or better still – the car.
2. No Lego by Naomi Clown
Why can’t we just leave our children alone?
If you’ve ever wondered why so many of today’s children are unhappy, stressed and selfish, under-achievers striving to over-achieve, then the answers and the remedy are to be found in this searing read. A tour de force for the modern parent.
Naomi Clown wants us to leave our kids be, to give them the space and time to grow into self-reliant, confident, inquisitive, happy and free people. Full of practical tips of what to do and (more importantly) what not to do, Naomi will not only help your kids be happier, but also help you, their parents, live happier and stress-free lives. By simply removing all the toys, gimmicks and gadgets from your home, and replacing them with an empty box of Cornflakes and a stick. Puts the imagination back into childhood.
What the critics said:
“The sort of book that will start a craze among parents not quite convinced they’re doing the right thing but everyone else is doing it so why shouldn’t they?” – Jonathan Wiseman, author of ‘Parenting: A Manufacturer’s Paradise’
“A McGyver manual for the under 5s” – Mr. T
“A world of pure imagination” – Willy Wonka
2. Harry’s Potty and the Chamber of Secretions by J.K. Rolling In It
Parenting is not wholly reliant on the straight-up manual format for guidance. Fiction has proven to be effective in portraying the trials and tribulations of family life revealing as it does some keenly felt insights for the adult reader of “young adult fiction”.
J K Rolling In It’s sequel to Harry’s Potty and the Philosopher’s Stone carries on where the original left off. Harry is returning to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry after the summer holidays and, right from the start, things are not straightforward.
Unable to board the Hogwarts express, Harry and his friends break all the rules and make their way to the school in his magical flying potty. From this point on, incredible events happen to Harry and his friends. Harry hears evil voices and someone, or something is attacking the pupils. Can Harry get to the bottom of the mystery before it’s too late or will he have to change first after wetting the bed yet again?
As with its predecessor, Harry’s Potty And the Chamber of Secretions is a highly readable and imaginative adventure story with real, fallible, characters, plenty of humour and, of course, loads of magic and bed-wetting.
“This is a triumph in bridging the gap between the classes. Toffs bed wet just like skanger children” The Daily Mail
“I have yet to meet a parent who hasn’t pretended to enjoy it” – Editor, Parenting Monthly
“Full of useful insights on the dangers and impact of prematurely introducing magic and supernatural powers to a child’s life”, David Coalman, Child & Family Psychologist
How not to react to a child wetting the bed
4. Watermelons by Marian Keen
“Why is she crying again?”
“I dunno. Stephen Fry came on the television and she just started bawling”
Amy Hooverman is fresh home from hospital with her newborn baby . All she wants to do is stay in bed, eat pot noodles and watch The Real Housewives of Killiney Hill, but her husband Ryan O’Bisto has to leave shortly to make an advert for a national financial institution. Ryan wants to become a member of a select group of media elite after retiring from professional sport. To make matters worse, Amy, herself a model/actress/author/scientist/astrophysicist/aeronautical engineer, is booked to record an advert for an iconic jewellery brand in half an hour. She practices walking in dreamy slow motion like she’s just eaten an entire vienetta and smiling inanely in the mirror but her breasts are killing her. With no-one to mind the baby, she erupts into tears. Suddenly, the door-bell rings. Like a vision of amazonian greatness and platinum haired wonder, in steps her Fairy God Mother… Marian O’Callaghan.
This hilarious new novel is a must-read for the first-time mother condemned to the sofa and labouring under the misapprehension that she is alone. Even the rich and famous face the same classic new parent dilemmas: Should I answer the door or pretend not to be in? Who can I get to bring me more cheese? What will I watch till Frasier starts?
Author’s Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
5. A Tale of Two Titties by Charles Chickens
“I decided to talk to women about their breasts, to do breast interviews, to finally let them tell their own story … At first the women were reluctant to talk. They were a little shy. But once they got going, you couldn’t stop them. Women secretly love to talk about their breasts. They get very excited, mainly because no one’s ever asked them if they could interview their breasts before.” Charles Chickens
A poignant and hilarious tour of the final frontier, the ultimate judged zones, A Tale of Two Titties is a celebration of female mammary glands in all their complexity and simplicity. Hailed as the bible for a new generation of breastfeeding women, it has been performed in cities and colleges throughout the world, and has inspired a dynamic grassroots movement – Double D Day – to stop prejudice and prudishness when it comes to breasts. Witty and irreverent, compassionate and wise, Charles Chickens award-winning masterpiece gives voice to real women’s deepest fantasies and fears, guaranteeing that no one who reads it will ever look at a woman’s breasts, or think of breastfeeding, in quite the same way again.
“If your breasts could speak, what would they say?”
“I hate it she sleeps on her front” – Breasts of a breastfeeding mother
“I need some scaffolding. Quick” – Breasts of a 42 year-old mother of one (ahem)
“I’ve been estranged from the other one for years. There’s no going back. Unless she wears a bra” – An anonymous left breast
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