Three days without a shower, queuing for a piss in a dark dank Portaloo, getting my hair washed twice daily ‘neath another downpour. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather to be doing this weekend but alas the Electric Picnic wellies must stay mud-clad in the corner for the second year in a row.

Just to torture myself even further, I’ve compiled a list of top five acts for my ultimate fantasy line-up applying the following criteria:

– they must be alive (this often helps when playing live)

– have not played EP before (so that rules out the top 5 best performances to date: New Order, Patti Smith, Bjork, PiL, Passion Pit)

1. Kate Bush

Woman of the moment, but soundtrack to the pivotal moments of some of our lives.

Stage: Body & Soul

Extras: Dancers trapeze off the trees, Liam O’Maonlai dances like an irritating loon at the front of the stage.

Next day reviews: Local radio station in Portlaoise receive calls from concerned residents reporting strange banshee sounds during the night. Crowd unhappy with O’Maonlai antics.

Standout track: This Woman’s Work

2. Talking Heads

“Hi, I’ve got a tape I want to play”. If you recognise that line then you deserve to be in the front row. David Byrne popping in with St. Vincent last year doesn’t count so don’t be awkward by bringing it up.

Stage: Electric Arena. Taking no chances with the wind swaying Tina Weymouth’s bass to the other side of the audience. No fucking way.

Extras: Standing lamp for old time’s sake.

Standout track: Born Under Punches

Next day reviews: Clichéd references to David Byrne’s shock of white hair, and mention of the two other female bass guitarists in the world.

3. Neil Young

He has just announced his divorce so prepare for a few 45 minute guitar solos. Head-butt anyone who fears they will be “turgid”. They haven’t a fuck’s notion what they’re on about. And they just like using the word turgid.

Stage: Main. I don’t mind five or ten minutes of the solos getting blown to the other side of the audience to enable us discuss what to eat next: Pieminister or burritos?

Extras: I suppose a ‘hello’ would be out of the question, Neil?

Standout track: Like a Hurricane. Preferably as the heavens crack open.

Next day reviews: Why didn’t he play Old Man? Boo hoo etc.. Accusations of turgid guitar solos.

4. Cathal Coughlan

Who?

Stage: Cosby. Probably at an inappropriately peppy 3pm knowing the talent the organisers have for fucking up the schedule

Extras: Consensus-smashing wry observations on the state of the nation during an appearance later on the sofa in Minefield.

Standout Track: Officer Material/cover of Big Star’s Thank You

Next day reviews: Oh ja. I love all his work. Notable tensions between himself and McWilliams.

5. ABBA

It’s OK. No-one needs to know you just had a hard/wide-on at the thought of it.

Have fun, if you’re going. (fucker)