…opening conversations with our teenager.

“You know that Mumford and Son album your friend’s father let you borrow? I’m really sorry but I accidently spilt boiling marmalade all over it. Take that Bonnie “Prince” Billy album round as a sorry from us.”

“You do know a lot of our favourite friends are gay, don’t you?“

“When I was your age, studying wasn’t as important as it is now.”

“Irish? Well, it was heavy on the vowels. It used to be the language of poor people, then the up-and-coming people, and eventually the middle-class people. Like your cousin, Scéitímínníáthásényámáólséch. Every child was forced to learn it for 13 years and could barely say the Hail Mary when they came out. Sort of like religion, only in a different language.”

“Oh look there’s Gay Byrne with another new show. Are you gay? Cause we’re totally cool with it.”

“Happy 13^th Birthday. Here’s some information on contraception and a few condoms. I hope I’m not too late”

“You know the birth control information I gave you for your birthday. Am I too late? I’m totally cool with it. Just asking. No biggie.”

“You know you can tell us anything. Like if you’re gay or whatever. No pressure”

“Have you read Love in the Time of Gonorrhoea? Sorry, I mean Cholera? What’s Gonorrhoea? Well…”

“Happy 16th Birthday. Here’s some brochures on Canada and a few quid towards your emigration fund?”

“Can I borrow some money off you? Need to make a mortgage repayment. What’s a mortgage? Well, it was heavy on the zeros. It used to be the preserve of middle class people, then up-and-coming people, and eventually poor people. Every adult was forced to get one for 93 years and could barely say the Hail Mary when they fell into arrears. Sort of like Irish, only in a different language.”